no, i wouldn't be grossed out just because he does it after a fight. you said it yourself - it acceptable to you when everything is fine, right? so a tense situation might trigger the need to do it more. i think you're upset and every little thing annoys you now. i know the feeling, happens with me and my boyfriend all the time.

obviously you won't have sex with him, so what's the guy to do?

I don't see what's wrong. He's using it to relax and calm down after a fight, which is a lot better than staying b*tchy for a long time afterwards. I mean, it doesn't bother you normally, so why should it now?

And he's different from you!? WTH!? I know. Weird. He's a different person with different habits and that's totally ok.

If my hub does that, I'd not flip, I'd LOL then possibly forget about the whole argument since it's just so random that he is doing it.
Then again, my hub rarely views porn and when he does (we do have a collection) since we're always together at home most of the time, I'd know about it.

While I don't see anything wrong with seeking to feel 'good' when you're feeling 'bad after a fight,' it is understandable that you're upset because you want him to contemplate and not 'run away' from the problem or/and at least attempt to digest what just happened so you guys can work together (or at least you'd like him to admit he's wrong LOL) to reach a compromise.

If I were you, instead of getting upset/blowing up at him when you found out, I'd be observing if his mood is enlightened after the masturbation and if he's more 'ready' to discuss things more with you or ready to compromise. Maybe if he's feeling 'better,' he'll be more pliant or more 'open.'

If you can't accept this habit of his, I'd suggest that you rethink about the relationship and what's your deal breakers are. You seem to be checking up on him and his porn as well, which makes me think that somehow you're not that 'ok' with the porn watching thing and the frequency he's doing it.

Good luck.

The fact that you two keep having fights is maybe what you should be focused on. What he does in his spare time after the fights seems like a mood point.

To be honest, I don’t see what the big deal is here. You said it yourself, he is not an addict and he is probably using it to relax. Some people go out for a run after a big fight, others, like you, go talk to their friends, he masturbates. I don’t see what the big deal is here. I think that you are probably too upset and using this as an excuse to be more mad at him.

At this point in my life, I fully believe that women will just never understand some things about men, and vice versa. You can't understand why he watches porn after a fight. I bet that he cannot even comprehend why you'd want to discuss the fight over coffee with a friend.

If you don't have any issue with the porn, then don't penalize him for watching it to relax after an argument.

That said, I agree with dikke kus. Sounds like you might fight quite a bit. I'd be worried about that more than the porn.

This isnt a big deal and the person asking this question is over reacting.

At least he's not going out to be with other women. I don't really think this is a big deal. It is just a way for him to relieve his stress.

dikke kus has a valid point.... maybe think about why you're fighting so much?

I agree with Jennibean, at least he's not off with some other woman. He'll watch a bit and come home to you (so to speak).

I also agree that it sounds like the real issue is the constant fighting. Perhaps that's what needs attention, not husbands porn viewing habits.

also that picture is absolutely ridiculous and it's sad that it's been used for this article.

I don't know. I think this would really bother me. I'm always amazed by how many people at Tres have no problem with porn.

Nothing wrong with Porn, like everything else, its all in moderation.

Whats wrong with it Space?

Ugh. Porn disgusts me.

It's not like there's something wrong with it - I'd feel very upset if a boyfriend looked at it after a fight. It's like, the reality of the relationship with you is too much, so let me escape to a fantasy where women are just sex objects waiting to fulfill my lust. It's inappropriate.

The solution is makeup sex.

Spacekatgal said it perfectly. This would bother me as well. It is inappropriate.

Sometimes after a *big* fight, you just have to do something to relax and get your mind off of things for a bit. As long as you eventually come back to what you were fighting about and talk about it once you've both cooled off, I don't think it matters that he watched porn to relax immediately after the fight, even if the purpose is to temporarily escape into a lusty fantasy.

I would, on the other hand, be more upset about this if he did it after every little squabble or argument instead of a couple big fights. He should be able to handle the small stuff without always watching porn afterward.

that is a really interesting take SKG. I guess I consider porn more escapist and fantastical than demeaning, but maybe its just the kind of silly porn I've seen. I think the OP is maybe less upset about the porn and more upset that her boyfriend instead of musing on what happened and "soul searching" or analyzing the matter (which she did by meeting with her friend) just flipped a switch and did something "fun" instead.

Well, I can see your point too, Mama. It could be seen as escapist.

To be honest, I think her snooping is way worse than him looking at porn. Even in a marriage, you need some privacy - I would be extremely upset if my husband went through my email or browser history.

agreed, also, that the porn issue is (to me) less of an issue than (A) why they're fighting "big fights" often enough to reference the "last couple of fights" and (B) snooping/etc.

I dont know...I never used to have a problem with porn, until my ex bf was so hooked on it he chose to log on, rather than have sex with me...and hid it/lied about it etc.

So now, I would say if if he has to decompress THAT way, he might be viewing too much porn in general. Porn is way too accessible these days and men are getting lazy and just logging on as using it as a scapegoat.

I agree. Porn I have no problem with...but if I ever found out my boyfriend was checking my internet browsing history behind my back? Now THAT seems like a problem.

I think it is a huge red flag and also am shocked no one seems to think its a big deal. It clearly shows that after they fight he fantasizes about cheating-not very monogomous behavior, and how long will be be satisfied with just the computer.

I agree with a lot of the women here. Its obviously a stress reliever for him, the same way chatting up someone is a stress reliever is for you. I have zero problems with porn, personally.

My biggest red flag here is that you leave as soon as you fight. Why not stay, calm down, and act like an adult. Talk to HIM about how you feel and what is going on instead of a friend. Maybe then you can both approach problems better without fights and he wont get so stressed out that he has to turn to porn when you run away. Running away from an argument (even if it's over) is running away from solving it. If you need to leave to be able to calm down, then I think you may have a problem with behaving like an adult.

i too am surprised by how many women are okay with porn. im not saying its a bad thing, but personally, i just dislike the idea of the man i love getting off to other women. to each her own, of course! i wish i was more okay with it.. argh

Why are you looking at his browsing history and why is he deleting it? What is he try to hide by deleting it and why the big fights? I think there are details to the story we're not getting.

I agree with spacekatgirl. And also with mamasita. I think it could be what mamasita said and what spacekatgirl said...or both. Either way, I think those are both pretty bad scenarios that would upset me for sure.

Honestly I'm kind of excited about how many people on here are saying they have some issues with porn. I've always felt like I was very alone in my stance on porn around here, lol.

well 2 be honest that would kinda piss me off 2... i mean, ive got no prob with porn or anything, to me it just seems like he's not upset at all about ur fight and the sec u leave he just goes back 2 life as usual without even seeming to care bout the fight. but then again i dont know ur man so it might be something else completely...

Also, I'm not trying to personally attack you here Allytta, because I'm sure a lot of people share your belief (you just happened to be the one that said it this time)...but I just don't understand when people say things like "obviously you won't have sex with him, so what's the guy to do?"

I just don't understand how a girl not wanting to have sex gives the guy free rein to get what he wants, however he wants. If the dude has such a huge problem with not having enough sex, then he should dump his gf and get a new one that likes more sex...seriously. Just b/c a girl doesn't want sex for a while doesn't mean the guy can get it however he wants...geez, we're not cavemen anymore, I think he can handle a little time without sex. That comment basically says to me that girls are required to have sex with their guy whenever the guys wants it!!! And again, if the lack of sex is honestly making the guy unhappy, then he should get a NEW gf...not add on to his collection of women (virtual or real).

I agree with meeshee. I just don't see the difference between a guy getting off to a real live woman or a real live woman on a computer or t.v. screen. Either way, he's getting off to someone other than his gf. So who cares about the physical part!? Mentally, he's all about, and all over that other girl. Weird. Just my personal opinion though.

@Muirnea: I don't think that's really what any "pro-porn" people are saying here.

Why should a guy have to leave a woman he loves just because she can't be at his beck and call for sex all the time? If a man (or woman) gets horny when their partner isn't available or in the mood, what is he/she supposed to do? Masturbation is as natural a bodily function as pooping, and porn is mostly a means to an end for a lot of people (or for giggles because it's funny... at least, that's why I watch it). What IS the guy in this situation supposed to do if his girlfriend doesn't want sex? What's his girlfriend supposed to do if he doesn't want sex? Being REALLY horny can be painful, and masturbation can be calming and relaxing.

I went a year with very little sex because my boyfriend was busy with homework all the time. I was a testy, anxious, crabby, horrible person to be around for that year because I didn't have a release (I have yet to figure out how my parts work), was that a "good" thing because I was waiting for my boyfriend to have time for sex? I wouldn't leave him over something like that because he's an amazing person and I'm madly in love with him regardless.

And when it comes to him being "all over another girl": he's not going to leave his girlfriend/wife for her. He's not going to get her pregnant. He's not going to get an STD from her. He's not going to form an emotional connection to her. He's not going to do ANYTHING with her other than think "oh she's hot! dayum. My GF has a better and less diseased looking . Oh, look what they're doing there! I want to try it! Oh, think of how it would be with me and my girl doing that!" Or probably something to that effect (not being a guy, I don't know).

First of all porn isn't healthy, however I will talk about that a bit more later. I would agree that the fights is what concerns me and not to blame you but you said yourself you go out to talk to a friend about it afterwards. As women we forget we need to process our private disagreements with the person involved.You process, you reach conclusions and you reach a higher level of intimacy. You are getting an important element of intimacy from someone else, what do we expect him to do? You both need to sit down and figure out if your disagreements are constructive, leading to a solution, or if you are just going 18 rounds and not getting anywhere. If this is the case and you honestly love eachother and see this as a long term relationship then get counseling on how to resolve disagreements together.
The porn is a symptom of the problem and not the problem. He is getting a need met without the effort that true intimacy takes. It has become epidemic in this time period for men to view porn and we are all led to believe it is fine and has no consequences. He is short cutting the intimacy process by meeting needs in this way. It deprives him of of of the kind of intimacy he could truly experiance in the bedroom and it deprives you of that same thing.
Pornography hits women, especially, in the most vulnerable spot.Appearance and sexuality are threatened because no matter how hard a women tries she will wonder why this extra is needed when she is there waiting. The reason is simple,of course, because a real women requires effort and time and pornography requires niether. Is pornography common? Yes. Is his use of it healthy for your relationship? No, and you shouldn't have to accept it. If he can't truly try to stop then you should stop seeing him now.There are plenty of places and websites for help with this. It truly is common and there shouldn't be a stigma attached to the fact he is someone who regularly views it, but he should stop once he knows it bothers you. How will you feel about this 14 years down the road if it is bothering you now?

@ Comment 32: Sex and intimacy don't go hand and hand all the time. Sometimes sex can be a great pain or stress relief and not needing another person there to get that relief can be a GOOD thing for a relationship (say one partner is REALLY horny and needs that energy to release so that they can continue on with their day, but the other partner is not in the mood or too busy, watching porn can help in a situation like this). As long as someone's not a porn addict or thinks that sex should be like porn, then I can't see a problem with watching it.

Sometimes people want sex without intimacy as well (one-night stands, hook ups, porn, etc). It could even be argued that thanks to the way that reproduction works, males are probably going to seek that out a lot more than women (to "sew the seed" essentially), and it's better a guy do that with porn than cheat on a partner IMO (and yeah, girls do that too, but women, by our biology are more into the intimacy and emotional side of relationships).

I think women make porn out to be something more serious than it really is. If something like 95% of guys watch it, is it really as horrifying as many women think it is?

I mean, I didn't jump for joy when my boyfriends in the past looked at porn, but I didn't care either.

That said, there are at least 2 things about porn that would upset me:

1) If it was affecting my sex life with my partner
2) If my partner were lying about it

But those issues aren't porn specific. They involve being selfish and not meeting needs, and lying.

I guess I just feel like we can spend our lives anguishing over things about men that we can't control, like their desire for visual stimulation and variety, or we can acknowledge it, accept it in healthy levels, and just move on and stop taking it so personally.

The problem is...most guys seem to hide it from us, b/c they are embarassed...thus making us suspicious, etc, etc..and it can become a viscious cycle.

I still think that the "needed fix" after a fight is a bit strange? But...men can be strange creatures???