Talk to him. Don't hide it. Regardless of what you think. He has a right to know. You both knew this could happen, now you both need to confront the fact that it happened.

I think that you should just tell him exactly what you told us here, that you don't expect certain things from him. Also, make sure to tell him that you did not plan for this to happen, but now that it has, you have made the decision to keep the baby. Make sure that you talk to him in person.
I don't think it is a good idea to offer to let him sign away his rights, because if he wants to be involved in his other child's life then he will likely want to be in this child's life as well. I would suggest that you go to planned Parenthood or a Birth control clinic. They can offer you counselling and help you to sort through what you want to do from this point on and direct you to further resources. You also need an exam from a doctor to take care of your health. Good luck.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha

Why are you trying to protect him? What is there to protect him from? He has to take responsibility for this baby (and his other one), same as you, and the last thing you should be thinking about is "will this cripple him?" Newsflash... there is no form of birth control that offers a 100% success rate, so you've got to expect that it is possible to make a baby if you're having sex. Therefore, a person whose world depended on not having any (more) babies would have to abstain in the name of self perservation. While inconvenient perhaps, another illegitimate child is NOT going to bring this guy's world crashing down around him. You're giving him WAY too much consideration, honey. Boys don't grow into men if the people around them let them act like little boys.

1. Stop making excuses for this deadbeat dad.
2. Admit that you got pregnant on purpose.
3. Start making decisions based on what's best for you and the baby, not what might "cripple" him.

This guy isn't going to be a consistent part of your child's life and you know he won't be offering you any type of support, financial, emotional or otherwise. Start building a support system now so that you have a chance at raising a decent child.

These things happen. It's not an ideal situation, but you know what? It very rarely is. He seems like a decent guy even though he's got some problems. It sounds like you've got a good friendship with each other. I think if you were to talk to him he would be there to listen. You won't know how he is going to react until you talk to him. Your post is very candid and I think it would be good if you repeated everything in it to your guy friend, because it's very honest and mature. Good luck.

Everything in life does NOT happen for a reason. That is just an excuse people use when they make bad decisions.

You knew full well that this guy is a loser, has a kid, now lives with his parents, is in love with another woman, no decent job, etc, yet you chose to have sex with him. Whether this pregnancy is unplanned or not, it is painfully obvious that you care more about him than as a friend with benefits...your post shows that. You spend more time writing about how this affects him than you do about what is best for YOU. I wonder if you have a bit of a saviour gene in you, and that part of you wants him to "wake up" and be a happy family with the three of you. That's just my read of your post.

If you choose to have the kid, fine, but know that you will be on your own. This man will not be a part of your child's life, at least not right now and probably never...he is too f#cked up and his track record as a father is miserable. You have to have no expectations of interest or help on his part.

He is the father, and needs to be told, but that's all I would say. Just tell him that you are keeping the baby...I wouldn't say that you expect nothing from him, I wouldn't have him sign over rights, etc., just tell it is your decision and leave it at that. Personally I don't think you should let completely off the hook, as he may get his act together down the road and want to help support the kid, although unlikely, it is unknown. Just keep it simple for now, because everything else in your life is about to get a thousand times more complicated.

Then, walk away and focus on your child, who should be your priority now, not this loser. Surround yourself with people that will support you, because this guy likely never will.

Hmm, I think I might have the saviour gene in me as well! Oh no! Can I delete my advice?

No, sabrinaland, you are probably just a nicer person than I am!

Oh no, I'm a total sucker for "vulnerable" men. I have to watch myself!

You and me both, have definitely been there....luckily never had a pregnancy complicate it.

OP, you will be ok because you will have support from people that love you. What's most important now is you and your child's future, not this guy. I know it is difficult because you care about him, but you need some distance to focus on what is best for you, not him.

Good luck.

i think you already made your decision and you've thought this through and that you are going to keep the baby. i think your outlook on the entire situation is definitely realistic and you're okay with the outcome either way. I think you need to talk to him as soon as possible. like you said he's not currently in a good state at the moment so give him time to come to terms with the situation and how he would like to be involved. good luck.

Well, your keeping the baby is your first decision. That's good. That's great. I would tell the dad, your friend right away and you may be pleasantly surprised. After his circumstances with his seven year old maybe he would love a second chance to do something right. He could offer to be married or maybe just move in and help you as much as possible. Why not? It's his responsibility too. His family could help out as financially as well. It would be a HUGE help to you to have him home to bond with and take care of the baby and you could work. He could be a life saver. I'm telling you, unless mom is living next door you won't like taking care of the baby by yourself. It can be a nightmare to do that alone. The experience can be terribly hard. It's 1000 times harder. You won't know what I mean until your in the thick of it. As far as the dad, your friend goes I bet all that other stuff he is worried about now will be thrown out the window, including the ex, and living with his parents. Who wants to live with their parents? If he's a good friend as I understand from your story, he could stand by you and help. It's the best way I could see for you. Good luck with everything.

Dikke, don't feed her fantasies! This guy is never going to move in and be a husband and a father. Even if he did, it would be short-term and he'd be gone long before the kid's even in kindergarten. She needs to cut ties and prepare to do this on her own.

Luisamaphacha, you don't know that. Why is it a fantasy to let him know what's going on and expect him for help? Even if it was short term that's better than nothing. If he flakes out then, so be it. It's his loss.
I always try to see the glass half full, not half empty. If he doesn't do a thing, then at least she did the best she could. She needs to see that right now.

If you decide to keep it, I'd suggest that you tell the father. It is what it is, he has the right to know too. (Honestly, I don't care if he's going to have a 'break down' due to this--both of you made this child together--he needs to 'face the fact' and be a 'man' about it).
Ideally, he'll want to help out and be a part of your new family, but who knows what he's going to do so I also suggest that you be most prepared to raise the child all by yourself (with the support of your family and friends).

Good luck to you.

Agreed, Luisa. "Husband and father"" Are you kidding? lmao!
Jazzy, thank you for saying what needed to be said. It's obvious she's always wanted more from their non-relationship. You might just be bracing your kid for a future with a loser father.

If you can look yourself in a mirror and say honestly that you're not having this kid to keep this guy around, then you should have the baby and tell the father. I don't know the legality aspect of it all, but it wouldn't hurt to contact a lawyer.

You're old enough to know the right reasons to have a child versus the wrong reasons to have a child. It doesn't seem like you got pregnant on purpose like another poster said, but the way you talk about this guy, it doesn't seem like you think the baby is really going to drive him away either. Sure, it'll shock him. It would shock anyone. The fact of the matter is that a baby will not destroy him, and the choice is yours. You are not backing him into a corner, because it takes two people to have sex and create a pregnancy. He knew full well that by having sex, you can get pregnant. Since no birth control is 100%, statistically you could get pregnant at least one out of 100 times you have sex or something like that. I forget the exact numbers. Whatever. You made up your mind. This is not for him, and he does not have the last word on what you do with your body. Make it clear to him that you didn't expect this to happen, but it did and you are keeping the baby and leave it at that. I wouldn't have him sign over rights...because I can bet a couple years down the road you may desperately need his help. You have to accept that you will be doing this alone and be okay with it. Expect nothing from him, and don't believe it if he said he would be there. Expect the worst when it comes to things like this. If you can raise the baby alone, if you know this will not keep him around, then have the baby. Be more concerned for yourself and your child, and forget about this guy. He can worry about his own damn self.

This has nothing to do with this particular post, but wow, Group Therapy has really tanked since the latest re-vamp. The first couple of posts are lame and don't seem genuine. Sigh.

Hmmm. I think they're genuine. Lame, I won't comment on!

I would definitely tell him. I have a 10 year old daughter that I just met about a year ago. and its hard on me, because she's still very standoffish towards me. I would've killed to known about it when it all went down. If he doesn't wanna be apart of the kids life then let it be his choice, not yours.

Its pretty harsh to say she 'got pregnant on purpose'. Even someone who takes birth control exactly as directed has a chance of becoming pregnant, despite their best efforts.

I understand your situation; though I was in a stable relationship when I found out I was pregnant, I was also terrified of telling my boyfriend. Thinking of protecting his feelings and trying to protect him from a 'breakdown' is a natural instinct for someone you care about, whether it be someone you are in a committed relationship with or just a close friend. I would be concerned about you if you had reacted with "he will have to man up, too bad if he is upset!". Nobody would expect *you* to take the news of your pregnancy so nonchalantly, its LIFE CHANGING information! So it's unfair to expect him to embrace it immediately. Pregnancy news is always a shock! It is especially understandable that you would be concerned for him since you mentioned he has begun therapy and has recently moved closer to his family for emotional support in his everyday life.

My best advice is to explain to him that he can be as involved as he likes, and give him some time to consider this life changing event. It is obvious you care about him very much, and that is a solid foundation to begin a parenting relationship on whether or not you two will be in a committed romantic relationship with each other (which is not something I would expect). Though it seems like there may be a spark of hope in you that a romantic relationship will begin (who wouldn't want one with the father of their child?), it is also obvious you understand it is not completely realistic and odds are it will not happen.

As parents you two will have to be there to support each other in the future, so it is good to see you have a great deal of respect and concern for the father of your child

Good luck!

Oy. What a bad situation all the way around.

I was adopted. It's not an ideal situation, as it does mess you up a bit psychologically. I also turned out with a very different value system than my parents. I would be honest and say, though I am glad my parents gave me to a famly that had the resources to care for me - I do deperately wish it had been a different family.

You've got to be direct with the father-to-be. He doesn't sound mature enough to be a father, but he does have to live with the consequences of his actions.

Good luck

PS - What a heartless thing to say that she got pregnant on purpose!

i definitely think that you should inform the father. i also think that no matter how involved he decides to get in the day-to-day raising of this child, he should be prepared to get his act together help financially. there's no reason the child shouldn't get their material needs met because their father is immature.

I'm wondering how much you've actually thought about the baby while being all caught up about the dad.

From what I get, you're in an employment situation that's unstable. You said you had to live with the father for a while because you were both broke. Having a baby isn't going to magically make you afford it, babies need diapers, bottles, formula (or constant breast feeding and breast pumping), toys, a crib, clothes (that they outgrow FAST), food, baby toiletries, a changing pad/table... all that on TOP of the money you're going to spend going to the hospital for pregnancy check-ups, ultrasounds, labor, and if your baby is premature or has a health condition, that's thousands of dollars on top of that. From the sound of it, you want the baby for more romantic ideals rather than looking at the practical reality. I know it's possible to be poor and raise a baby, but if you're as "broke" as you say you are, you should seriously consider adoption. Or at least have bought some condoms in the first place.

I mean, I REALLY want a baby right now. But I know that I don't have the money for it, and I'm still in school. So I'm not exactly having an unprotected sex every night or poking holes in the condoms and cheeking my birth control and if I was pregnant I'd probably have an abortion out of love for the baby.

I seriously think you're spending too much thought on if you should tell the father or not (he sounds like his life is messed up enough, though he does have a right to know you're pregnant) and not enough thought on the practicality of having a baby.

Agree. You need to tell him, like it or not. You both need jobs, stable income, and a stable environment for this child! If you keep the baby, think about the baby....nothing else.

look, this guy has fathered a child and he needs to know regardless of the outcome. besides stress is no good for you or the baby - - good luck.

Did anyone notice the fact that a 26 year old man has a 17 year old daughter? So he got a girl pregnant at the age of 8? I mean I know that it's possible but still, it sounds a little far fetched.

Forsought: umm. it says "seven" year old daughter. not "seventeen"

It sounds like you set your mind on having this baby and with that comes all the future planning. Honestly, you shouldn't hide this from him because it will come back to bite you in the ass. The best thing you can do is go to him and explain the situation and how you feel. Let him know that you know his financial status right now and aren't trying to corner him into child support. If anything when he gets back on his feet tell him he can contribute in whatever way he feels comfortable with until he can financially afford to help out.

Never feel guilty about being a single Mother. I came from a single Mother with a Dad who wasn't in the picture and I have no complaints at all. I hope that everything turns out well for you.

I reported that comment, so if it gets pulled you can blame me and not her. This post is also like 3 months old. Why bother getting back into it at this point?