Funny Tweets January 2014

Take a well-deserved break with this week's funniest tweets on marriage, singlehood, seduction, and having a meaningful relationship with food. Find out why being a single woman is like walking through a thorn bush and how to use creepy men to your advantage with this week's Tweets Girls Say. And for even more funny, follow us on Twitter!

Relationship Status: Single

My phone autocorrected "I live alone" to "I love alone." Both are correct, but I don't need my phone to remind me.

— Mandi Harris (@MandiHarris) January 23, 2014

American Horror Story: Lonely White Girl

— Bez (@Bez) January 22, 2014

Everyone is talking about their active sex life at this dinner table and I just flagged down the waiter for another drink.

— jacqueline carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) January 20, 2014

What if I went and saw Endless Love by myself on Valentine's Day as a joke? That would be hilarious, right?

— Sam Montgomery (@sammontgomery) January 23, 2014

The girl who pedals the fastest in spin class will never find a guy who reaches her expectations

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 23, 2014

Being a single woman is like walking through a thorn bush. Too many pricks.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) January 22, 2014

Relationship status: The UPS guy just pointed out that I was wearing a dryer sheet.

— Lori (@HeyitsLori) January 18, 2014

I'm still mad my mom took a small amount out of my "wedding fund" to pay for my college education because she should have taken it all out.

— Meghan O'Keefe (@megsokay) January 23, 2014

Did Catholic school ruin my chances at a healthy relationship with my vibrator

— Carrie Wittmer (@carriesnotscary) January 22, 2014

Relationship Status: Seductress

Discreetly putting on chapstick so I don't make people too horny

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) January 23, 2014

just referred to my thighs and general nether area as "these puppies" so i think i'm ready to have sex

— lady pootwell (@debbie_hairy) January 19, 2014

SEXT: That blowjob means you're my boyfriend now, love you babe, call me.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 19, 2014

Man in the hotel pool where I'm having breakfast is grunting "HYAA!" between strokes in what I think are ski goggles. Anyhow, we're in love.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 21, 2014

"Born in '88? How old is that? Old enough." Me about every cute celebrity.

— Jess Tholmer (@tholmz) January 22, 2014

Relationship Status: Married

My husband keeps saying, "I'm not gonna play your little games" like that's not step 1 of playing my little games.

— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 23, 2014

Husband mumbled "I'm so lucky" in his sleep which I thought was adorable until he followed up with something about "the best fried chicken"

— Kim (@Kim_pulsive) January 19, 2014

My neighbors haven't had sex in 6 months and she thinks he's cheating on her with the maid - (these binoculars are really powerful)

— sallybrooks (@sbrooks13) January 23, 2014

Relationship Status: Eating

I don't need a boyfriend. I need 12 million dollars and a corn dog.

— B. Walker (@babebwalker) January 10, 2014

how to use creepy men to your advantage, pt. 1 pic.twitter.com/I3b3d2bCv8

— Sputnik Sweetheart (@Verlieren) January 19, 2014

Relationship Status: Looking

From now on I'm only gonna date people who are less busy than me so house cats

— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) January 24, 2014

I fall in love with a boy every two seconds but I fall in hate with a boy every one second.

— Kasey Koop (@KaseyKoop) January 21, 2014

Just dropped a casual "My boyfriend and I..." Into the convo so cabbie doesn't ask me later bc that is def the vibe I'm picking up.

— Maritza Lugo (@PolaRoid_Rage) January 23, 2014

all of my exes are starring in Looking

— Allison Fields (@allisonfields) January 20, 2014