Emotional Affairs: Just as Bad as Regular Affairs

i think it is pretty obvious. maybe people get bored, but it is true that a lot of people get a lot more flirtatious when they ARE in a relationship. sometimes they get carried away

there is a very clear line between emotional cheating and just friends or coworkers!! if i feel that my b/f is getting to close to someone, trust me he will hear from me about it!

I think it can get confusing for people who aren't prepared for it. it's easy to think of this sort of thing as just a friendship. It's really important in relationships to have boundaries about what is and isn't ok as far as relationships with the opposite sex go. I just think that if people take the time to really think about their partner and how they would feel about this other person then they wouldn't cheat. And yes I do think emotional affairs are cheating and just as hurtful as physical affairs

Personally, I can tell for myself when I stepped into emotional-affair territory. I know myself, and I know when I've crossed my line. With that said, I think emotional-affairs are harder to be accountable for (to a spouse or significant other), as they're more passive than physical affairs. In my book, they're just as immoral as physical affairs, and as posted by Tresugar, they're a breach of trust. JMHO.

Personally, I can tell for myself when I stepped into emotional-affair territory. I know myself, and I know when I've crossed my line.With that said, I think emotional-affairs are harder to be accountable for (to a spouse or significant other), as they're more passive than physical affairs. In my book, they're just as immoral as physical affairs, and as posted by Tresugar, they're a breach of trust. JMHO.

Maybe worse than a physical affair =/ (i mean, for the other that is not cheating) but it's confusing

You can tell when you are having an emotional affair. It feels exciting, wrong, and right all at the same time. You can't wait to see or hear from the person and other people start asking what's going on and you say, "We're just friends." You know that you haven't slept together, kissed or even held hands but you seem to connect on every level and at the same time you get the feeling that what you are doing is wrong. I'm obviously speaking from experience. It happened to me and I knew what I was doing was wrong the whole time. It was a bit of a thrill and I definately felt the need to hide it and keep it a secret.

You can tell when you are having an emotional affair. It feels exciting, wrong, and right all at the same time. You can't wait to see or hear from the person and other people start asking what's going on and you say, "We're just friends." You know that you haven't slept together, kissed or even held hands but you seem to connect on every level and at the same time you get the feeling that what you are doing is wrong. I'm obviously speaking from experience. It happened to me and I knew what I was doing was wrong the whole time. It was a bit of a thrill and I definately felt the need to hide it and keep it a secret.

I think they are equally hurtful. My ex husband and I discussed dating when we decided to divorce,and although we were still living in the same house for financial reasons i wasn't hurt at all when he started a friendly relationship with a female, a woman he's now married to. I was chatting online with a guy which was completely platonic and he said it didn't bother him either. But since then, I fell for a guy who treats his female friends better, spends more time with and is much more attentive to his so-called female friends...that to me is much more devastating. So, I think the answer depends on how deeply invested your emotions are for that person doing the emotional/physical cheating.

I think they are equally hurtful. My ex husband and I discussed dating when we decided to divorce,and although we were still living in the same house for financial reasons i wasn't hurt at all when he started a friendly relationship with a female, a woman he's now married to. I was chatting online with a guy which was completely platonic and he said it didn't bother him either. But since then, I fell for a guy who treats his female friends better, spends more time with and is much more attentive to his so-called female friends...that to me is much more devastating. So, I think the answer depends on how deeply invested your emotions are for that person doing the emotional/physical cheating.

it's true that emotional affairs are wrong but most of the time they happen when someone's relationship fizzled.it's always obvious when it happened you just know that you are having one

Yeah, it's pretty obvious when an emotional affair is going on. When you look forward more to contact with the "friend" than your significant other, you feel the need to hide it when you contact each other, and you stop confiding in (or sometimes, even sleeping with) your SO, there is definitely an issue. These actions mean that a) you know what you are doing is wrong and b) you are emotionally removing yourself from the relationship anyway. It's a refusal to do the right thing; it's almost as if, by not acknowledging it as an affair, the person is trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is okay. They don't want to recognize the social consequences. As a psychology minor, I've been taught a peculiar thing about people; until they are forced to explain their actions, emotions usually rule their thinking, but when they do explain, they have to think more logically and empathetically to do so. So, even though they may know it on some level, many don't acknowledge even to themselves (because everyone knows only bad people have affairs) they actually are in an emotional affair until they are confronted. It's not that they don't realize they are in an affair. It's that they don't want to confront in their own minds the fact that they are being bad people.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious when an emotional affair is going on. When you look forward more to contact with the "friend" than your significant other, you feel the need to hide it when you contact each other, and you stop confiding in (or sometimes, even sleeping with) your SO, there is definitely an issue. These actions mean that a) you know what you are doing is wrong and b) you are emotionally removing yourself from the relationship anyway. It's a refusal to do the right thing; it's almost as if, by not acknowledging it as an affair, the person is trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is okay. They don't want to recognize the social consequences.As a psychology minor, I've been taught a peculiar thing about people; until they are forced to explain their actions, emotions usually rule their thinking, but when they do explain, they have to think more logically and empathetically to do so. So, even though they may know it on some level, many don't acknowledge even to themselves (because everyone knows only bad people have affairs) they actually are in an emotional affair until they are confronted. It's not that they don't realize they are in an affair. It's that they don't want to confront in their own minds the fact that they are being bad people.

i think there has to be a physical thing going on in order for there to be an emotional affair. nothing big, but if you are cross country and talking on the phone, or sending emails that's, to me, not really anything. i have a friend who started something with a guy she met on the phone through work. they were texting, then talking on the phone, then setting up dates on friday nights to talk on the phone. one day he changed his phone number and she couldn't reach him at work. the end. she thought it was a relationship, i thought it was a waste of her time.

i think there has to be a physical thing going on in order for there to be an emotional affair. nothing big, but if you are cross country and talking on the phone, or sending emails that's, to me, not really anything. i have a friend who started something with a guy she met on the phone through work. they were texting, then talking on the phone, then setting up dates on friday nights to talk on the phone. one day he changed his phone number and she couldn't reach him at work. the end. she thought it was a relationship, i thought it was a waste of her time.

Just as bad. They pretty much usually lead into regular affairs anyway.

I think it all depends on what exactly is going on. I'm happily married and have been with my husband for over 16 years. In every marriage there are difficult times when things are not working well. I believe in my marriage and my husband and I have worked through the difficult times and have come out stronger. I'd be lying however, if I didn't admit that when things were difficult, I got a much needed lift from an old friend. We knew each other in high school and bumped into each other. In talking with him (and we only talked), he reminded me of all the things I had liked about myself that had somehow gotten lost in the fray over the years. I confess I loved the attention and admiration and it gave my confidence an amazing lift. In fact, I credit that lift in confidence for giving me the perspective about how to make my marriage better. I don't consider that to be having an affair (emotional or otherwise) and while I did not tell my husband about how much that friendship meant to me, it is not because I feel I did something wrong, it's because it wasn't about him and it was nothing that could harm our relationship. It was about me looking into a mirror and seeing things in myself that I couldn't see through him. I think seeing yourself from another perspective can be valuable and I don't believe that in every case a meaningful friendship with a person of the opposite sex constitutes an emotional affair.

I've been in an emotional affair (I wasn't married, he was) and I knew it was wrong while it was happening. My rule is, if you wouldn't want your wife to see these emails, then it's crossed a line. If you're putting all your emotional energy into someone else--confiding about work, problems at home, stresses, dreams, kids, etc--then that's energy you're *not* putting into your marriage. And that's cheating your spouse out of what she (or he) is owed.

They are more hurtful to me. I think it is worse to have my husband putting his trust in another woman - putting his penis in another woman is bad, too, but doesn't seem as hurtful. That, somehow, seems more 'normal'. Like a man's normal desire. But having a relationship with another person..... sounds stressful.

If you wouldn't talk/act like you do with this person in front of the person you are dating/married to, then its an affair. For me, that rule as always been plain and simple.

My man, dare i even call him "mine" anymore, has recently told me that he likes some girl in his college class and i have no idea what to do about it. It feels like he's sort of broken my trust by having feelings for this girl. Yesterday he told me that he doesn't love me as much as he used to, and we tried to break up but we ended up crying and cuddling together, and deciding that we need less time together. I*m in limbo, to be painfully honest i feel as though i don't love him as much anymore either - i'm starting to resent him. Do i just end it? Or battle through and come out of this stronger?

I was the "victim" of an emotional affair, even though my boyfriend didn't think that's what it was. I think it was cheating. He was seeing a girl behind my back and began having feelings about her. He ended up breaking up with me and immediately going to her house. At the time, I was FURIOUS about the whole situation He realized the mistake he made and came back to me. He lost my trust 100% and it took him years to gain it back. Even to this day, I'm surprised he ever did it. He had his chance, if it happened again, I would break up with him for good. I think I have a really good guy though, I'm not worried about it. Amber, going to reply to your message now....

I was the "victim" of an emotional affair, even though my boyfriend didn't think that's what it was. I think it was cheating. He was seeing a girl behind my back and began having feelings about her. He ended up breaking up with me and immediately going to her house. At the time, I was FURIOUS about the whole situation He realized the mistake he made and came back to me. He lost my trust 100% and it took him years to gain it back. Even to this day, I'm surprised he ever did it. He had his chance, if it happened again, I would break up with him for good. I think I have a really good guy though, I'm not worried about it. Amber, going to reply to your message now....

Amber, if you read my above post, that's essentially what happened to me. I honestly can't tell you what to do, I think every situation is different. How long have you been together? Is this a guy you can see yourself marrying? Has he done anything like this before? I took my guy back and I've never regretted it, BUT I'm not saying it would work out for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I wish you the best. I'm subscribing to this thread, so feel free to post to me.

I think that it is very traumatising to know that my husband is texting or calling another women. I have had an on going problem for the last 6 years with my husband getting to involved with other women he barely knows. He has had a secret cell phone in the past to talk to someone and when he got caught he says that he still feels he did nothing wrong. I forgave him and was working on our relationship and trust issues and then he has betrayed me again and again. I catch him in lies. He went away in October to do a job in a different state that was only suppose to take a few weeks and wound up taking 6 months (while I was home running our business). He met a lady and they began texting and calling each other. He deleted them and denied that he ever did this until I caught him. He claims it stopped and then the other day she texted him while we were driving home and he would not let me see it - he lied and said it wasn't her. I had to pry the phone out of his hands and get out of the car - he chased me down the road to get the phone away from me - this is how desperate he was that I would see what she wrote. I am done with this looser. I have been with him 32 years and the past 6 have been HELL - Midlife crisis my ass - he just needs to take a good look at what he is doing and grow up. I feel so betrayed and have given him too many chances. I don't think I will ever get my husband back - the husband I have before he started crossing the line with these Bimbos.

Anon - I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I wish you the best!

unfortunately i think i find myself in between a relationship. i guess i am the mistress in the emotional cheating. but really we are in college and its not like the relationship is that serious. after reading this though i feel horrible because like someone said before having that person to talk to and be open with is exciting and yet knowing they have someone else just makes me feel horrible. i think ive been in denial that i may be doing something wrong considering it really hasnt moved to anything physical except maybe holding hands. im sorry...

I have a similar problem i am confused and i am ripping our marriage apart trying to get answers that i can believe. we ave been married 28 yrs and have 3 older children.... We moved South 1 year ago and 2 months ago I became suspicious of my husband texting costs believing he was texting a 21 year old female work collegue. his behaviour changed in that he was going out drinking more and was very depressed at home as we had financial problems this was understandable, but it appeared that it was more than this that warrented this behaviour. he denied everything and said he was just sending jokes to work friends, he had deleted all texts sent and recieved so he couldnt prove this to me. I kept an eye on the situation and later backed him into a corner by saying i had software available from a friend and could read deleted messages if he wanted to prove his innocence now was his chance. he absolutely refused and broke the sim card. i was shocked and thought he was having an affair with this girl. he later confessed he had sent her texts about our home problems and that she had listened, there was some flirting at work but it was nothing serious, and that i was over reacting. she initially had let him know she fancied him but he had put her off as he had been unfaithful to me before (20 years ago) and was not prepared to do this again and that he was old enough to be her Dad ( she is 22 he is 51) and so she stopped texting him. he said after a few weeks he missed the attention and she was ignoring him at work also, so he tried to get that friendship back by sending more texts of our problems saying things like" I wish i had someone who wanted me for who i am" and " i really need to get out of here", but she did not respond to these. He says there was never any thought of having an affair with her, and a sexual relationship had never entered his head it was only the friendship he wanted back as he had no one else to talk to as we were new to the area. although he liked the flirting and it boosted his ego. but it was the friendship that was important to him... Now, am i to believe that it was a friendship with a 22 year old blonde girl. OR do i go with my gut instinct and accept that he nearly cheated again?????? what do you think?

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I honestly don't know the situation so I don't want to give my opinion. Only the 22 year old and your husband know what really happened. I do know that it's easy to get caught up in something that's new and exciting, but that's not to say that your husband ever went beyond what he told you. I suggest seeing a counselor, with or without your husband. I really wish the best for you.