Divorce

Almost nothing enrages a mother more than the thought of another woman replacing her. When biological children start using any derivative of "Mom" in reference to another woman, many of us get downright territorial.

"I was devastated when my son piped up about 18 months ago with, 'Daddy said I can call his girlfriend Mummy,'" writes Brooke W., a member of the Single Moms community. "I thought it was really wrong of my ex to encourage that in a child who lives with his bio mother full-time. I guess to some it sounds silly but hearing your child call you 'Mummy' is one of motherhood's joys, and I believe, privileges. And it hurts to imagine my only child calling someone else that special title."


"She was not pregnant with him, [did not] give birth, or spend more hours awake than asleep with him," posts Jade C., also a member of the Single Moms community. Her son's biological father allowed her son to call his dad's new wife "Mom."

"I explained to my ex-husband that I birthed these children and while they need to respect his wife, she is not their mother. I am," writes Elizabeth T. in the Children with Divorced Parents community.

Keep reading to see more on this delicate subject.

After 16 years, one of the industry's most iconic marriages is breaking up. Model Kristen McMenamy is divorcing her husband, fashion photographer Miles Aldridge.

McMenamy told The Daily Mail that Aldridge had become "intolerable" to live with, and in their divorce petition, Aldridge admitted to infidelity. The court granted them a decree nisi, which will legally end their marriage this Summer.

But McMenamy, who was walked down the aisle by Karl Lagerfeld and had Naomi Campbell as a bridesmaid at her wedding to Aldridge in 1997, said she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband are on good terms. "We have as good a relationship as you can expect after everything that's happened," she said.

Recently, the 46-year-old model has been dating art dealer Ivor Braka, whom she met at a friend's dinner party a few months ago.

"I sent my pal a cheeky message saying, 'Seat me next to an eligible bachelor,'" she said. "It turned out to be Ivor."

Whether married or not, providing positive parental guidance for your children can be challenging. And when you're divorced or separated, it's only natural to find agreeing on a unified approach to parenting to be an even more difficult task.

Many moms want to follow Jenny J.'s recommendation to have a "civil co-parenting relationship," which will help the kids "do better and be better adjusted." But if you couldn't agree on anything while you were married, "how do you help your kids with a divorce while you hate their father?" Vicki M. asks. Similarly, Circle of Moms member Lisa G. says she has been separated for seven years, and she and her ex still "cannot be civil about things." Still, she believes both of them need to provide consistent rules for their daughter.

If you, too, are finding it challenging to agree on how to parent with your ex, consider the following four tips, suggested by Circle of Moms members who say they consistently communicate well — despite being separated.

Keep reading.

Iowa's state House recently considered a bill that would make it harder to divorce, with at least one lawmaker arguing that divorce makes young women more promiscuous. The proposed law would make "no-fault" divorce illegal for couples who have minor children, meaning the law would encourage parents to stay unhappily married until their kids finally head off to college.

Here's some background: no-fault divorce doesn't require either a husband or wife to legally prove wrongdoing — like adultery or a felony — by a partner in order to secure a divorce, and it's considered an accomplishment of the feminist movement. Before no-fault divorce became commonplace, beginning with California's passage in 1970, it was much harder for spouses, especially wives, to get out of a bad marriage. And research has found that no-fault divorce, now legal in all 50 states, has led to a drop in domestic violence. Yet some in Iowa would like to turn back the clock.

Republican state Rep. Tedd Gassman cited his own granddaughter, whose parents just divorced, as a reason he supports the bill curtailing divorce. He said, "There's a 16-year-old girl in this whole mix now. Guess what? What are the possibilities of her being more promiscuous? What are the possibilities of all these other things surrounding her life that a 16-year-old girl, with hormones raging, can get herself into?" I'm sure Rep. Gassman's granddaughter is thinking, "Gee, thanks grandpa!"

These extreme statements are reminiscent of some of the more reactionary things said about abortion and birth control during the 2012 election and another example of conservative politicians saying tone-deaf, retro, and bizarre things about women's sexuality. Gassman is proposing having the state not only intervene to keep women in unhappy marriages, but he's also citing the chastity of teenage girls as his motive. Women, consider yourselves warned: divorce could be the latest front on the war on women.

I was a 40-something mom of three when everything changed: My marriage ended, I lost my job during a company-wide layoff, and then I lost my dad. Suddenly, the perfect little suburban world I’d tried to create and shelter my children in felt like it had been hit by a tsunami. Suddenly, any fears I might previously have had about my kids becoming entitled suburban brats were completely washed away.

Keep reading.

Perhaps the most significant decision a parent makes is choosing the perfect name for her child. But nowadays, with committed partners having different last names, hyphenated married names, single parents, same sex parents, divorced parents, and other relationship scenarios, determining a child’s last name can be an unexpected challenge.

"What do you think about kids' last names? Should they have dad’s last name whether you are married, defacto separated, single or whatever?" a Circle of Moms member with the screen name "Kel80" asks.

Single moms especially like to discuss the last name topic. "I am very close to my due date and I am still deciding if I want to give her my last name or her dad’s last name," Kayla O. says, for example. "Me and the dad are off-and-on dating … it’s been complicated. So my question is, should I use my last name or the dad’s?"

If you, too, are wondering what last name to write on the birth certificate, Circle of Moms members recommend considering the following four questions.

1. Does Either Parent Have a Preference?

Generally speaking, your child’s chosen name should be something both parents agree on, says a Circle of Moms member named Jodi. So it’s important for parents to talk about their preferences in advance of the birth to avoid making a last-minute decision before being discharged from the hospital.

For example, a mom who calls herself Firebird B. shares that a friend who kept her maiden name when she married also gave her daughter her maiden name, with her husband’s blessing. Firebird adds that the husband even considered taking his wife’s last name too: "Not because it's an excessively awesome name; he just doesn't get on well with most of his family."

Charlotte R. is another parent who felt strongly about the chosen last name, giving her son both her and her husband’s name. "There are only girls in my generation of my family, so the name would have died out," she explains, adding that she also wanted her child to have a last name that represents mom and dad equally.

Single moms Chelsey H. and Amanda W. suggest moms consider how they will feel about a name long after the child’s birth. If you are unmarried and your child has the father’s last name, it can create a little confusion for mom in school, at doctor’s offices, and when traveling, they say.

"Maybe you don’t think about it now, but you’ll have people assume you have the same last name and then people start calling you Mrs. …and then you [will have to explain], 'Oh no, we have different last names; he has his dad’s last name,'" Chelsey says.

"I’m constantly called by his last name at doctors, I always get looks about the different names, [and] people assume [my children’s] fathers are different and [even] that he's not mine!" Amanda says of her son who has her ex's last name and her daughter, who has her last name.

2. Is Dad Going to Be An Involved Parent?

The consensus in the Circle of Moms community is that if the father will not be involved in the child’s upbringing, then he’s also abandoned baby naming rights. Despite tradition, "I don't see the point in giving a child the last name of a father who is only marginally involved, or not involved at all, from the time the baby is born," Becky F. says.

Candice N. agrees, saying, "If you believe the father will not be in the baby's life very much except to buy diapers here and there, then in my opinion, I'd say to take your [last name]."

Tiffany B. goes even farther: "Your child should have your last name unless you are married to the father," she asserts.

On the other hand, "If you believe the father will be around and will be a good father, then I say give the baby his last name. It will make him feel more connected. And, honestly, he has just as much [of] a right to want the baby to take his last name as you do," says Melanie L.

After all, "If the guy is willing to sign the birth certificate and take ‘ownership’ so to speak, why not let him?" Keshia W. says.

3. Do You Want Your Child to Choose?

A good compromise, of course, is to hyphenate your child’s last name using both partners’ last names. That’s the option Montana E. chose, saying she didn’t want her daughter to have a different last name from her, but didn’t want to deprive her dad of the last name either.

Angela V. also hyphenated her children’s last names using her name and their dad’s last name because she says she really wanted her name in there somewhere.

Hyphenating the last name can be an especially good pathway if parents want their child to eventually choose their own name once they are older, or have some connection with the father even if he isn’t an active parent. "You never know when the father may come around," Amber M. says. "[By hyphenating] at least you give your child the option of choosing what they want as they get older. My son is 10 now and I am glad that I gave him both. His dad came around, and my son is proud to have both names."

Hyphenation is becoming more typical in today's world, says a mom named Ponda A. "If both names are on the birth certificate, then both names are to be listed on documents. When the child is old enough to make a legal decision, then they can... legally change their name to one or the other."

Yet even if no legal changes are made, a child often will choose to drop one of the hyphenated names if he no longer has any connection with it. Kathy F.’s daughter has two last names (one from her father, one from Kathy), and used both in elementary school. When she started middle school she just used Kathy’s name on school papers that don’t require her full legal name.

Ponda says this is a common occurrence. "I have talked to a school attendance administrator who deals with this. She indicated that she sees several of the students [who] have two last names... [drop] one of the names... in everyday conversations."

4. Keep Your Child in Mind

Whatever last name you decide to bestow upon your child, remember to keep your child’s best interests in mind, Circle of Moms members caution.

"Trust yourself to know what to do: His name, both? It's not about how the mother feels about the father," Kara C. says. "Too many mothers think about how they feel, when it's not about them."

"Regardless of your relationship with [the dad], it's not about either of you, it's about your child," agrees Liz. A.

And in the end, "It doesn't matter what their name is as long as [you’re] their mom," reminds Lisa B.

Image Source: TiggerT via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

From inheriting step children to dealing with biological moms and ex-wives, navigating the challenges and surprises of blending families is rarely easy. Here, Circle of Moms members offer insights into the biggest surprises they faced.

1. How Difficult the Role of Stepmom Is

For many moms who remarry, the biggest surprise is that the skills they've already honed as moms don't prepare them for the role of stepmom.

Gayla G., author of the blog Stepparenting with Grace, explains: “When I married my second husband, I had two daughters already and loved being a mom," she says. "But I was surprised to find out how difficult the role of stepmom was and the degree of emotional impact step parenting had."

Claudette of The Stepmom Coach Blog was similarly surprised by how complicated and challenging being a stepmom is, noting, "It was not easy to find my way." For Claudette, the realization inspired her to seek support and guidance from other stepmoms.

2. How the Kids Adapt

So much is written about how creating a yours-and-his family can be challenging for the children. As a result, Maureen T. says she was prepared for the experience to be stressful at times, and committed herself to being patient. But instead, she was happy to discover the opposite was true in her family. "The most surprising part of being in a blended family is how well the children adapted," she shares.

Carine L. says she too expected that the second union could have its share of predictable hurdles, but was pleasantly surprised at the smooth transition. Her biggest surprise? "[When my step kids] asked to call me mom — especially because they have their own mom." Erin H. shares a similar experience: "I've been pleasantly surprised that my step kids have accepted me and look to me as someone they respect."

3. The Ex-Wife's Feelings

It’s almost a given that moms in blended families expect a little friction with their husband’s ex and the mother of her step children. But the intensity of the hostility can be surprising for many moms.

"The biggest surprise came from my husband's ex-wife," says Jenna K., author of the Step Mom Help blog. Since the duo had been divorced for six years, Jenna says she assumed there wouldn't be problems in that department. "[I] soon realized ‘she’ was going to be my toughest challenge, not the kids."

Chanda W., who writes Step Living, also wasn't prepared for how her relationship with her step kids could be negatively affected by their biological mom's attitude: "What surprised me about my current ‘blended family’ is how profoundly a biological mother's attitude/temperament/personality determines the kids' attitude toward their stepmother."

4. Missing Single Motherhood

As a single mom, Carol S. yearned to get married and create a new family. But as her blended family was melding, she found herself suddenly longing for her former single mom lifestyle. It caught her off guard, she shares: "I was surprised by how much harder it was than being a single mother and how much I missed, even longed for, being a single mom again with just my two girls."

Carol adds that marrying a man with three kids was a lot more work than she bargained for. What surprised her most: "[All the] negotiation, consensus building and conflict resolution involved that I didn’t have to deal with before as a single parent."

5. The Depth of Love for New Step Kids

Falling in love with a new spouse may have been easy, but many moms worry whether they can love step children as much as their biological children. For Barb G., it was a pleasant surprise to discover how deeply she fell in love with her new step kids. "I knew that I loved my step children when I married my husband," she says. "The surprise is that the love is no different than the love I have for my bio child."

What was your biggest surprise about becoming a blended family?

Image Source: MishBradley via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

When my first marriage ended in divorce it didn’t even occur to me to put the right to take back my maiden name in the divorce decree. I had hyphenated anyway and I had two children who share that hyphenated last name. As time went by though, having my ex’s last name bothered me more and more, and when I eventually remarried I was thrilled to drop the hyphenate and take my new husband’s last name.

When you have kids it’s not as easy as it may seem to change back to your maiden name. Some Circle of Moms members say you should keep your ex’s last name while others feel you should lose it as soon as you can. To help you make the decision for yourself, here are three reasons they share for keeping your ex's last name, and three reasons to lose it.

Three Reasons Divorcing Moms Keeps Their Married Names
1. For the Children

The top reason Circle of Moms members cite for not changing their last name after divorce is that they want to have the same last name as their children. Mom Michelle R. not only kept her ex-husband’s last name so it would be the same as her three sons', but when she had a daughter in her new relationship, she gave her daughter a hyphenated surname that combines that name with her daughter’s father’s last name. That means everyone now has her ex’s last name!

2. To Maintain a Consistent Identity

For some women, keeping an ex’s last name is matter of identity. As Circle of Moms member Dianne M. explains her justification for holdiong onto her ex's last name, "People had known me by this name for the previous 11 years."

In my case, my degree and all my certifications were in my married name. I’d been married for so long that everywhere I went, former students called me Mrs. “X.”

3. It’s a Hassle to Change It Back

Mom Cortnie R. remembers all the trouble she went to to change everything when she got married in the first place, and didn’t want to go through it again. As she points out, from Social Security cards to driver’s licenses to banking information, every single document needs to be changed. She simply didn’t want the headache of it all.

Three Reasons Divorcing Moms Change Their Last Names
1. To Reclaim a Sense of Identity

Interestingly enough, many women make the same argument for reverting to a maiden name as choosing not to – affirming their identity. "[It] just felt right to go back to being me," says Kathy M., who was only too happy to give up her married name. Member Amy C. echoes this sentiment, explaining that taking back her maiden name made her feel whole again, and member La Keeda H. says doing so "was like reclaiming my individuality and sense of who I am."

2. There's No Choice

Mom Megan R. couldn’t have kept her ex husband's last name even if she'd wanted to! He made sure the divorce decree stated that she had to take her maiden name again. Another member, Leslie A., may not have had it spelled out legally, but when her ex husband told her that as long as she had his last name she would belong to him, she knew she had no choice but to change it. She didn’t want to "belong" to anyone.

3. Remarriage

A number of women are like me: they kept their ex husbands' last name for continuity for their children, but are only too happy to give it up when they remarry. As mom Deborah U. jokes, "As luck would have it, I eventually remarried so my name would [be] different anyway."

In the End, It May Not Matter Too Much

Whether you change your name or not, to some people it’s not going to matter. Just as I still encounter former students (now young adults) who call me Mrs. "X," there will probably always be people who still call you by a name you've long since left behind as well. Chief among them, as Nicole S. amusingly points are, are those too young to appreciate just how maddeningly complex these issues can be for moms: "Just remember that no matter what you do, your children's friends will refer to you by their last name."

Image Source: Rob via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.