Why Does He Wait Until the Last Minute to Ask Me Out?

"Why Does He Ask Me Out at the Last Minute?"

April 2, 2010

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

I started seeing a guy a few weeks ago. We've been on three dates. He asked me out for all of them, and paid for all of them. (I always offer to pick up a round of drinks, and he accepts.)

He stays in touch during the weeks with texts and emails, and planned the first date 3 days ahead of time. But the last two weeks he hasn't asked me out till Friday morning (for a Friday night date.) Why does he wait till the last minute? If he asks me out tomorrow, should I say I'm busy?

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17 Comments

JoeTyndall 3 years

People wait until the last minute for two reasons. One is that their work schedule is just too hectic and they don't know their schedule until the last minute. This is a good reason. The other reason is that they are irresponsible and childish. This is a bad reason. We just have to figure out which one it is.

JoeTyndall 3 years

People wait until the last minute for two reasons. One is that their work schedule is just too hectic and they don't know their schedule until the last minute. This is a good reason.The other reason is that they are irresponsible and childish. This is a bad reason.We just have to figure out which one it is.

Autumns_Elegy 3 years

I'm the sort of person who spontaneousley makes plans with people, often a day or two before (never on the day cuse thats just rude!). I do this because I study full time and have a part time job on the wekends, so if I get a day off I like to go out and enjoy myself instead of spending it asleep. Perhaps this boy could be in a similar situation, where he doesn't know when he's free until a few days beforehand?

bittie 3 years

i want this to mean that he's just not aware of social etiquette in terms of making plans and thinks that a few hours is plenty of notice. or, that he doesn't want to seem desperate and asking what you're up to later the day of strikes him as less gung-ho than making plans in advance. i have to admit, though, that my first (admittedly, jaded) reaction was that if a man really wants to see you, he takes care to 'reserve' you in advance to make sure he's booked on your calendar. if, on the other hand, he's going back and forth and weighing his options before he commits to a night with you, you get the last minute, nothing-better-came-up invites that you seem to be getting now. :/ but i'm a cynic!!

Janine22 3 years

Yes, I think that you should say that you are busy but as someone else recommended, actually BE busy. Make plans with someone else. Ok, also I have to say that personally I find it really lazy and unromantic to mainly keep in touch with someone through texts and emails. Really, a quick phone call takes less time than an email to write and an email is so impersonal if the guy is really trying to court you. Also for your sake I really hope that he is not planning dates with you via email or texts, seriously he can at least have the courtesy to pick up the phone and talk to you. My impression about him based on what you have said is that either: 1). he is just a lazy dater and can't be bothered to make plans with you in advance because of that or because he knows that you will say yes anyway or 2). he is just not that into you, OR 3). he is dating/living/married to someone else and cannot call you because he doesn't want that girl to hear him on the phone. Some clues: have you ever been over to his house?? Do you have his home phone number or just his cell?? Does he have some weird reason why he cannot take you to his place? Why doesn't he have a home phone? Is he lying about this? Do you know his last name? If so, maybe you should check it out on 411. Hope it is not the second scenario but if it is the first you should put him in line and don't necessarily always be so accessible. I think that guys like to chase a girl a little bit, especially in the beginning. Good luck with everything. :)

Janine22 3 years

3 years

Here's what I think: Something like calling Sunday morning to ask you if you're free for lunch is ok, because it's more casual (you know, like maybe it's a nice day and he wants to enjoy the day and would like to enjoy it with you). Calling you Friday morning for a Friday night date, sounds like maybe he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you bc he's holding out for better plans...like you're the back up plan. Since he didn't use to do that, but is doing it now, I think he might have lost interest. I'm not a guy, but I have lots of guy friends and have dated guys like that before (ugh). Boys are dumb. So I definitely think you should make other plans for this weekend and if he calls to make plans with you that morning say "oh, that sounds like fun, I wish you had asked me a few days ago though because I already made plans. Maybe next week?" Good luck!

3 years

"I've also known guys (one is a friend and I hate it when he does this) who wait until the last minute because they're seeing if there's anything better going on. Blah." This is usually the case unless you've gotten more serious...they usually ask around first, see who is free, and wants to keep his options open. I say make other plans with another dude that respects your time more, and if this guy gets the hint (which, hopefully, he will), he'll start asking you out ahead of time. I had this issue with a guy I've gone out with a few times, although I knew it wasn't because he was looking for something better, he was just sort of clueless. I would respond, "You know, that would be fun, but my weeks fill up pretty quickly, so I need to schedule things a few days ahead of time. If you let me know earlier in the week, I'd love to get together."

chequettex 3 years

Ha ha, "The Rules" (a controversial book about dating) recommend that you don't accept a date unless it's like 3 days before, which I think is actually good advice in this case because when a guy calls you 3 days before he wants to take you out, it shows respect for your time and it shows that he's at least a little concerned that you're so cool you'll definitely have other plans unless he calls ahead of time. I think that's one of The Rules that can be broken every now and then, under special circumstances - what if someone gives him some tickets to the game on game day and he really wants to take you instead of one of his buddies? Or what if it's a gorgeous day that no one was expecting and he wants to take you on an impromptu picnic? But if he's routinely asking you out day-of, it could mean a few things. It could be that he feels like you've grown into "a couple" enough so that it's almost a given that you'll be together tonight anyway, it's just a matter of deciding what to do. Or maybe it takes him a long time to work up the courage just to ask you out again - he started thinking about it mid-week, but didn't get up the nerve 'til this morning! Or it could mean that he's a more spontaneous guy who doesn't really plan these things ahead and he's just oblivious to how it might affect you. OR --and we don't want it to mean this, but it is a definite possibility-- it could mean he's just not that into you, but he couldn't find anything better to do, so he calls you last minute. In any case, you'll probably get to know him a little better over the next few weeks, and figure out his personality a little more, which will help you know what's going on. In the meantime, I suggest that you SCHEDULE something for next Friday night, maybe with your girlfriends or family, so that when he calls and you're not available, he can start to get the idea that you're not always so readily available. Instead of losing his interest, you'll pique it. Repeat as necessary (but not EVERY Friday or he'll think you're trying to drop him!) He'll wonder what you're doing, and figure out that if he wants to hang out with you, he'll need to plan ahead.

chequettex 3 years

Ha ha, "The Rules" (a controversial book about dating) recommend that you don't accept a date unless it's like 3 days before, which I think is actually good advice in this case because when a guy calls you 3 days before he wants to take you out, it shows respect for your time and it shows that he's at least a little concerned that you're so cool you'll definitely have other plans unless he calls ahead of time. I think that's one of The Rules that can be broken every now and then, under special circumstances - what if someone gives him some tickets to the game on game day and he really wants to take you instead of one of his buddies? Or what if it's a gorgeous day that no one was expecting and he wants to take you on an impromptu picnic?But if he's routinely asking you out day-of, it could mean a few things. It could be that he feels like you've grown into "a couple" enough so that it's almost a given that you'll be together tonight anyway, it's just a matter of deciding what to do. Or maybe it takes him a long time to work up the courage just to ask you out again - he started thinking about it mid-week, but didn't get up the nerve 'til this morning!Or it could mean that he's a more spontaneous guy who doesn't really plan these things ahead and he's just oblivious to how it might affect you. OR --and we don't want it to mean this, but it is a definite possibility-- it could mean he's just not that into you, but he couldn't find anything better to do, so he calls you last minute.In any case, you'll probably get to know him a little better over the next few weeks, and figure out his personality a little more, which will help you know what's going on.In the meantime, I suggest that you SCHEDULE something for next Friday night, maybe with your girlfriends or family, so that when he calls and you're not available, he can start to get the idea that you're not always so readily available. Instead of losing his interest, you'll pique it. Repeat as necessary (but not EVERY Friday or he'll think you're trying to drop him!) He'll wonder what you're doing, and figure out that if he wants to hang out with you, he'll need to plan ahead.

hypnoticmix 3 years

IMO you could have one of two things going on here. Either he's selfish about his time and doesn't consider how that effects those around him when it comes to planning or he could be one of those people who are naturally in a mode of spontaneity. If I were in your shoes I would say you know what that sounds fun but I'm gonna take a rain check. Spontaneity is great but in most cases I do appreciate a heads up by the night before so that I can arrange my day around what we're going to do.

hypnoticmix 3 years

POPSUGAR Beauty 3 years

I've been there before, and every single time, the dude either wasn't that into me, or he wasn't that great of a guy. The great guys I've dated have wanted to make sure they fit into my weekend in advance, so they'd ask me out at least three days ahead of time. I've also known guys (one is a friend and I hate it when he does this) who wait until the last minute because they're seeing if there's anything better going on. Blah. In this case, I think it's fair to do what Hiding55 said. Otherwise, you set a precedent. If you're OK with being asked out at the last minute, no big deal — but it sounds like you're not crazy about it. If you aren't available on last-minute notice, and he's really into you, he'll get the hint and start asking you out with more notice.

POPSUGAR Beauty 3 years

I've been there before, and every single time, the dude either wasn't that into me, or he wasn't that great of a guy. The great guys I've dated have wanted to make sure they fit into my weekend in advance, so they'd ask me out at least three days ahead of time.I've also known guys (one is a friend and I hate it when he does this) who wait until the last minute because they're seeing if there's anything better going on. Blah.In this case, I think it's fair to do what Hiding55 said. Otherwise, you set a precedent. If you're OK with being asked out at the last minute, no big deal — but it sounds like you're not crazy about it. If you aren't available on last-minute notice, and he's really into you, he'll get the hint and start asking you out with more notice.

Hiding55 3 years

Say you already have plans and you would have loved to hang out if he only gave you a little more notice. It's not hard to pick up the phone and make plans ahead of time. He'll get the hint and spending a Friday night alone isn't the worst thing in the world.

GregS 3 years

Well, you could try it, just be prepared to be lonely on a Friday night. Have no idea why he waits until the last minute. Could be one of several possibilities from general insensitivity for others, to he's incredibly busy and OMG it's Friday already! You'll just have to ask him sometime. Just do it nicely please? Maybe even with some humor?

GregS 3 years

Well, you could try it, just be prepared to be lonely on a Friday night.Have no idea why he waits until the last minute. Could be one of several possibilities from general insensitivity for others, to he's incredibly busy and OMG it's Friday already!You'll just have to ask him sometime. Just do it nicely please? Maybe even with some humor?

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