Why Does He Masturbate Instead of Having Sex With Me?

by Tres Community 157

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

OK I am not one of those gals that doesn't believe in masturbation. But I am also not one of those gals that has a low libido. I would prefer to have sex every day if given the choice, but my partner and I only have sex a couple times a week.

Sometimes, when I get home from work, the front door will be locked. I know what this means — when I check his dirty laundry pile, I am guaranteed to find boxers freshly "christened" by him. I get so angry and irritated that I've grown completely obsessed by this. Why in the world is he choosing to masturbate instead of waiting to have sex with me? The sex we do have is really, really good, don't get me wrong, but I hate the fact that I want sex more and he masturbates instead! I'm trying to be logical, he's totally exhausted and usually asleep by the time I get the kids in bed.

Oh, and I can't talk with him about it — he goes berserk if I so much as bring it up! Should I just be grateful for the fact that we do have great sex a couple times a week and let it go for the health of our relationship and my sanity?

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157 Comments

henna red
Listen, lovely ladies, here's the end game. When you are in a relationship that makes you unhappy and in which you are frustrated, angry, and unsatisfied, you have some choices. You can address the issue, talk to your guy and let him know what works and and what doesn't. You can tell him what you need and that you're not getting what you need. You can ask him to attend couples counseling.....but, ultimately, if you tried everything that you can, and he refuses to address this situation, if he refuses to acknowledge that you have needs and as your partner he has some responsibility for working and playing to meet those needs.....then your choice is to accept the relationship as it is, since he won't change.....or get out of the relationship. The serenity prayer works for just about every situation in life....change what you can change, accept what you can't, and work to understand the difference between the two things. You can change you, your choices, your behaviors, your responses to what is happening in your life. You can't control or change anyone else's choices, behaviors or responses. If you don't have what you want, and he won't address that...then go and find what you want.....with someone who cares, someone who will address your needs, your concerns. You don't have to understand the "why" to make a change in your life. You just have to choose something else. The understanding is for recognizing this kind of crap if it shows up again, with someone else. So that you can avoid it, next time around. And just because a partner won't talk to a therapist or counselor with you, doesn't mean you can't address your issues with a counselor on your own. Because understanding why YOU continue to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy, is also part of the equation. Why do YOU choose to be in an unhappy, unsatisfying, sexually and emotionally unsuccessful relationship. Understanding yourself is much more critical than understanding him.
Lusciousdisaster79 Lusciousdisaster79
Yea I relate somewhat. My guy would rather masterbate to my picture or a video or me talking dirty...but I want sex. If I am so dam attractive to you so arousing then screw me! I know I can get myself off, I want the kissing the cuddling after his hands his touch. I dont understand why he doesnt want to touch me. Thinking of me turns him on so he helps himself....I dont get it.
iknowbetter
I have the same problem, but a little different... My bf and i have been dating for a year and a half, we have lived together for about 3 months. On a normal day (every day) he will come home from work, maybe come give me a hug (no kiss), sometimes i dont even get a hug. He goes straight to his computer (not for porn) for a load of other social media crap. He will sit on that until i dish up his dinner and put it on the table for him. He rarely helps out with dishing out, and when he does get off the computer sooner he will just grab his plate, not help with the kids'. Yes, we have two kids (not together, his isnt even his. but thats another story in itself. Anyways as soon as he is done dinner he gets up and back on that damn computer or xbox playing games etc. When bedtime rolls around. He doesnt usually initiate anything, unless you call squeezing my tits and rubbing me so hard down there that i am raw and sore for 3 days afterwards (i have spoken to him about this), thats still not the issue yet, im getting there. If he doesnt initiate and i do, immediatly he will want a bj or a hj until he finishes EVERYTIME. He never comes to me for sex, all he does is sometimes get me off and then expect me to give head or let him masturbate and have me watch. As soon as i show interest in his efforts to initiate he rolls over on his back and jerks off. I never get sex its always unfinished, i hate it. I hate having to pleasure him EVERYTIME. I dont even know if this makes sense... but we will be having sex and ill finish, then he will get off of me or i have to get off of him and he will jerk off or i have to do it for him. im not saying i dont enjoy this, but its everytime 9/10 times we have intamacy, its usually only him making me finish then he jerks off... or i have to suck him off. Its so annoying... i just want old fashioned sex, is that too much to ask. btw i woke up to him the other night looking a porn! i always tell him if you want something wake me up get me in the mood PROPERLY, kiss me for once (he rarely does that during sex, unless you call slobbery tongue down my throat, sexy. I think not. He does not have a passionate bone in his body. I slept on the couch lastnight, cause he made me upset by wanting to finish on his own not with me. I was crying, and he goes "at least i dont cry when i dont get what i want!" What does he expect? This is emotionally tearing me apart inside. I have never been with a guy who is so into themselves and not into me... this should be our honeymoon stage still, its not... we maybe have real sex once a month, all the other times he wants a bj, or hj or he wants to jerk off all over me... its sick. I have talked to him about this, he just blows up freaks out at me, tells me that he has no life since hes moved in with me (obviously meaning i impede on his masturbation) All i ask is come to me.... i asked him why he does it, he says it feels good. Well doesnt sex feel good, with me? i feel more and more like his little porn slut than a lover. He will even call me his little slut. I hate it. Isnt sex about making your partner happy? well he sure doesnt try hard, even after asked to f*** me he is hesitant to do so. he sometimes will after a bit of that he will pull out and cum all over me.... I know his issue is not about the mess cause he makes a mess all over me all the time. He just refuses to finish in me or just plain ol f***ing me, unless its on his terms. i dont know what to do... hopefully you can decipher my ramblings...
henna red
:)
Lusciousdisaster79 Lusciousdisaster79
Thank you henna red thats a really good idea
henna red
Luscious, one more thing....just because you don't think your guy will take to a therapist, doesn't mean that you can't talk to a therapist and get some professional advice about this issue you're having. I should have said that before.
henna red
Commitment phobia isn't something that you can fix in your partner. You can give that a try, and you can sit down and talk to him about exactly what he's doing and ask if this has been a pattern for him....he might realize it, he might not. . but the main issue is that you are in a partnership with someone who is ignoring your needs while satisfying his own, and you don't believe there is a physical problem....as in Bi's suggestion of prostate trouble. If you withold from him, tell him why....exactly why. And I wouldn't give it too much time to see if there is any effect....I think your biggest danger is to end up in a pattern of escalating manipulative games....which can make the end of this relationship even uglier than it looks like it may be now. The reading I'm doing around this issue pretty much suggests that when things get to this point, it's a commitment phobes intent to escape from what is causing all of the anxiety...the relationship. But they don't want to be the bad guy, and so, instead, they manipulate and antagonize until the their partner, miserable and frustrated and angry and brokenhearted, not understanding what happened to their passionate connection, finally throws in the towel and breaks up. It's one of the ugliest manifestations of this issue, because the person withdrawing and manipulating won't take responsibility for their issue, and instead tries to make their partner the culpable one.
Lusciousdisaster79 Lusciousdisaster79
Henna red thank you I never thought about it as a power or control thing. So what if I wouldnt give into him, no story or pictures? Pulled away from the control? He wouldn't go to any kind of therapy, or anything
henna red
By the way, commitment phobia is not always obvious at the beginning of a relationship. There are different stressors and buttons that will set off someone who has anxiety around commiting.... You could certainly sit down and talk to him about this, and see if he's available for couples counseling. If he's not addressing this at all, and you haven't said that he is, only that he's using the guilt and self pity to keep you hanging in there, then he's not serious about changing the situation. If he's not interested in changing the situation, then you're out of luck. There are a lot of things that affect libido....this is one of them.
henna red
Luscious, it sounds to me as though he is using sex, the witholding, for power withing the relationship. This is a strategy that some people who are allergic to commitment use. They use the whole, "it's not you, it's me" thing. And the witholding comes after having already established a satisfying sexual pattern. That he uses your picture or has you tell him a dirty story is a tease, and his guilting you about the "kicking to the curb" is a nasty manipulative stategy. Folks like this, who are commitment phobic to this degree, and with this kind of hurful behavior, don't always realize, understand, or acknowledge their issue. I would guess that it's this kind of witholding behavior that broke up his marriage also, and I'd guess that becoming single again was a great relief to him. My best suggestion is that you get out of there. This is only going to get worse, emotionaly and physicaly. He'll keep up the tease until you're begging and screaming, while possible luxuriating in the fact that he has a desirable, passionate woman begging for his attention. It's a very ugly scenario, and very hurtful, damaging and completely unfair to you.
Lusciousdisaster79 Lusciousdisaster79
Biwife he has no problems with an erction when we have sex & when we do have sex he finishes. He just has no desire to have sex with me. He does have desire to masterbate at least once week sometimes more, with my pic or a video or me talkn dirty to him. His labido is nonexistent for touching me
BiWife BiWife
Luscious, in your case, it is very likely (given his age) that he has a testosterone or prostate issue that is creating issues with maintaining an erection for sex and decreasing libido. Have him see his doc to make sure none of those are a factor.
Lusciousdisaster79 Lusciousdisaster79
so glad I am not alone. I have been involved with my guy for over 3 years the sex is great he always makes sure I am satisfied. I want it more than him I would be happy with at least once a week he is every other week. He is 44 I am 33 we don't live together, both divorced. This past summer his kids were with home 16 weeks we couldnt get our schedules to have sex so when we finally did it was amazing. Chemistry still there I figured things would go back to normal. Well its been a month & we havent had it. I am missing the physical contact. He said his sex drive isnt there that it comes in spurts....but he masterbates at least once a week. I know when he does because he has me tell him a sexy story or send him a naughty picture of me. Sometimes twice a day or 2 days in a row. I know he is obviously attracted to me, tells me the sound of having one or watching or thinking of me gets him off. ok so F*ck me get me off! His drive isnt down his desire to touch me is down. He says it has nothing to do with me feels like it does. If I say about going out with someone else he talks me out of says oh you will kick me to the curb I told him its not that I dont want him but I have needs, I can get myself off but I like kissing and touching vibrating rubber doesnt give me that. Wants me to be available when he wants it but isnt available when I want it. I know he isnt with anyone else in fact I am the only one he has been with in the past 11 years. So please someone help me understand why he doesnt have the drive to touch me. It hurts it makes me feel undesirable. but when he whacks off he is looking & thinking of me. So why wont he touch me.
anon-blonde anon-blonde
Oh & yes, I have read the books even wasted my time trying the ENTIRE Laura Corn series. But, I am on here hoping for better answers cause it's Saturday morning, I couldn't sleep anymore so I'm in the living room. I hear him wake up, those sounds of self-pleasure start up & yes he's at it again.
anon-blonde anon-blonde
giles123 - thank you for the no BS insight I do appreciate the info - to all the ones who suggested women should "spice it up, dress it up, do more, better or different" you must be men or clueless. I have gone so far as to be active swingers to spice it up for him but, his desire for the road of least resistance had him still beatin his meat AND flirting, foreplay, etc. with the lifestyle women to get laid but being lazy with me. Cause it was EASIER! I don't doubt he loves me. I don't doubt he is attracted to me either but, it is EASIER to pull one off than to make an effort with the same woman again & again. Once we're married we are now the "given". They can have that whenever they want, so they want it less. Oh & treating them the way they treat you (I.e. stop any affection, caring for them, cooking, cleaning or intimacy (not sex) will only make things worse. They just don't think or feel the way we do. It has to be a conscious choice on their part to make the effort & if your guy is inherently lazy, good luck.
WhiteWarrior WhiteWarrior
I think maybe i didnt explain it right... I don't have the need to control anyone... He was accusing me because he felt embarrest an ashamed. Masterbation if done in a healthy way in a relationship can be acceptable but not through lieing and hiding and theuse of porn and pushing your partner away... That is what I was trying to explain here. : )
BiWife BiWife
I agree that if your needs are not being met and you have tried to discuss this with your partner in the past, you need to move onto a new relationship where your needs can be met. However, the need to control another person's body is not healthy and is an insecurity that you should discuss with a therapist. You should feel secure enough in your relationship and trust your partner enough to allow them to masturbate once in a while. If self-pleasure feels like cheating, you probably have some abandonment issues you need to work through.
rachelssmiles
I agree with you WhiteWarrior. If masturbation were natural then why does your woman feel so bad about it. If you are hurting someone else with your actions it IS NOT okay. I had that same problem and masturbation turned into cheating.
WhiteWarrior WhiteWarrior
No we are not alone... This is a very common behavior and a very important issue that affects relationships and families. My now EX swept me off my feet 4 yrs ago, we connected so well, like best friends, we had incredible sex all the time. I desired him always andI Liked to spice things up from doing it in different places inside, to outside to toys to dressing up,video taping our selfs always like to talk dirty... Sending naughty MSG's to one another. Once i moved in with him, I noticed a change in him, I wanting sex with him and him saying he was tired always having an excuse I seemed. I notice him being more argumentive more to the point where he started pushing me away. A change in his behavior towards me, he seemed annoyed at times. I struggled and struggled to why this was happening. Then found out Why he wanted his alone time... Wanted space... I was never so disgusted And turned off in my life. Here he made me feel it was all me why he needed his space and it was him. I was so furious at him and felt cheated. I confronted him and he was furious and told me I can't control what he does to his body. Which is true. I said if u can commit to me completely allowing me to be apart of it then really what kind of a relationship do we have? No Intamicy or bond can be built with those behaviors. Some people say "but it's not cheating.".. But it is!! If u r putting your mind to someone other than your partner and your getting off... It's cheating... Unhealthy and Wrong!! Bottom line we get one life to live here, u have to do what's right for u, what truly makes u happy inside. There are people like u and me that are true and real and your never alone. : ))
henna red
If he is aware of your lack of satisfaction, and if you two have spoken about this and he will not address the issue, then the only thing I can see for you to do is to move on to a relationship without this issue.
CN2013 CN2013
Hello all I'm in the same boat. My fiancé and I have had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, we have not even had sex. During the time we share a bed I have been awake when he was getting himself off, it is extremely hurtful!!! It makes me teen unwanted , rejected, and at some point might look else where. I have not mention the fact I a awake during this, but the he lacks the sex drive as well, he talks about having kids and I'm like that us never going to happen at this rate. I just don't know what to do, I really think there are some underlying health reasons, that he will not admit to. Even giving him a blow job he dies not ejaculate. Any advise
LaurenNaomi LaurenNaomi
I have pretty much the same problem, although, we don't have children yet, i'm pregnant with our first. I would love to have sex once, maybe twice a day like we used to, and i think it's since I've been pregnant he's a bit weary of having it with me. At the moment we have sex, probably 3, POSSIBLY 4 times a week, but we're also very young, i mean, i'm 19, he's 20, so surely he should have a high sex drive!? Not a high masturbating drive! :( I wish i was more chilled out about it, but it really hurts. I went on our Google history this morning, and he's only watched porn on 3 separate occasions this year, witch i'm not that upset about, i just can't get it off my mind, and i'm so upset and confused why he doesn't just be a little romantic and take me to the bedroom instead of going on a porn website, i'm NEVER not up for it :/? I've confronted him already about the porn, and he told me the truth straight away and said he had been on a couple times when we first got the computer, witch is kinda true from the history dates. He was OK about me confronting him, but i wanted to ask a few questions as to why, and he got a bit funny and made me feel like i was abnormal for asking him as all men watch porn. When we have sex it's lovely, but it's over very quickly, kinda like when you masturbate. And he gets up, cleans himself up and carries on with the day, i hate that! Why can't he just lay next to me for a while, and why don't we have sex in bed before we fall asleep anymore. It's crazy because we used to live in a three bedroom house with with his mum, his 14 year old sister, and his 6 year old sister, and we used to have sex all the time, 2 maybe 3 times a day, we moved into our own flat and now we have it 2 or 3 times a week, why!? I love him to pieces but i hope someone agrees with me that a bit of romance on his behalf wouldn't go a miss!
nik1509 nik1509
I'm in the same situation, me n my fionce used to have am brill sex life but now he'd rather masterbate to porn instead of touchin me, I feel like he's bored of me n wud rather watch sum other skinny blonde girl to get his kicks! Am I boring him or do I not look good any more?? I really don't no wot to think anymore, wen he's masterbating I'm in the next room so y can't he shout me in? Iv mentioned going 2 a hotel for the nite without the kids but he didn't seem interested, iv layed next to him in bed with nothing on n he dusnt batter an eye lip?! Iv asked him about us havin sex n he sed it dusnt bother him anymore but yet he'll go off n materbate? Am I duin sumthing wrong or is he just not interested in me no more?
Kimbo52 Kimbo52
But I do know what "HE" has defined it is. He has indicated that he is now bisexual--that came out of his mouth, not mine. So, in looking at the definition of bisexuality--he's sexually attracted to both men and women. If there is any more to it than that, then he is in denial. And yes, I deserve a sex life--I had one, a stroke took it away from me and I have the right to be mad about it. I'm not being selfish and no one who is not in my shoes can really understand what it is like to have someone disappear, just like that. Our sex life is the major issue so that's why I keep coming back to it--it is the MAIN ISSUE right now. So it is all I can focus on, but I'm not harping on it with him. In fact, if you were to ask him, he would probably tell you I'm not interested in sex with him, which is far from the truth--but I've learned from the constant rejection that I just can't keep getting hit over the head over and over so I backed off. And I guess my backing off has indicated to him, no desire. But when I approach him I get accused of pressuring him--so I've been unable to find a middle ground with him at all. So I've just cut myself off from him sexually and I don't initiate, and he doesn't initiate and I use my vibrator and he trolls the web...what a joke huh? Anyway, have to go to work in the morning, so heading for bed. I'll definitely check out that link on sex and disability. Thanks!
BiWife BiWife
You say you've accepted his sexuality, but you don't know what it is. How can you truly come to terms with and accept what is still unknown to you? And clearly sexuality is the issue because that is what you keep coming back to - that YOU are not getting the sex life that you deserve. The neurologist is right, too. a LOT of the personality issues and changes are because of the stroke, whether directly or indirectly. I know my father has had increasing issues with anger since his stroke (which was thankfully a very minor one, but still debilitating to the point that he had to retire early on disability), mostly because of his frustration with the change in his brain and body. He can't talk the way he used to. He can't think the way he used to. He can move the way he used to. He can't be the person that he used to be or do the things that have been defining for him (he's been a hardcore pastor and mechanic since before I was born, and now can do very little besides sleep and take pain killers). These are undoubtedly a part of your husband's issue, since his stroke was much more life-changing than even what my dad has been through these last few years. It is painful for me to see him because of how much he has changed, so I can only imagine if it was my husband instead of my father. My parents are "lucky", I suppose. My mom was diagnosed with MS about 8 years ago, so their sex life has been drastically altered from her disability, then they just compounded with dad's stroke and resulting mitochondrial myopathy. If you haven't already, I highly recommend the book The Ultimate Guide to Sex & Disability (http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Sex-Disability-Disabilities/dp/1458767914). My mother recommended it to me after I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and said that it had helped her and my dad out a lot. Glad I can be of help, even if it's just as a sounding board.
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