Funny Tweets by Women January 2014

Tweets Girls Say is back and funny as ever. The ladies took to Twitter this week to address polar vortex, New Year's resolutions, and an assortment of inappropriate and hilarious topics. Read their tweets from the past seven days below, and for even more social love, follow us on Twitter!

Pro tip.

Dating tip: At the movies, yell "NO THANKS!" after every trailer.

— Ari Scott (@ariscott) January 6, 2014

Best movie plot ever.

I'm going to write love notes to the 4 gay guys in my Zumba class to each other, from each other, then sit back and watch magic happen.

— Heidi Selover (@happilyheidi) January 9, 2014

Typical.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy- what? oh sorry, am I blocking the exit?

— Sarah Jezior (@SarahJez01) January 10, 2014

Excellent question.

how many "just because blowjobs" until i get some "just because flowers"?

— erin accidentally (@home_napping) January 7, 2014

I would pay to see this happen.

A man just gave my dog the up and down so I shouted "don't worry you're not the father" the crows were staring.

— jacqueline carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) January 8, 2014

Mindy knows how to respond to controversy.

I love my @ELLEmagazine cover. It made me feel glamorous & cool. And if anyone wants to see more of my body, go on thirteen dates with me.

— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) January 7, 2014

Poor penises.

God made gay men so someone would appreciate the beauty of a penis.

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) January 10, 2014

Don't I know it.

between Girls and Sex and the City, I'd say I relate most to the Golden Girls

— priscilla (@BBW_BFF) January 6, 2014

Too late.

It'd be nice to know 12 seconds before you turn into your mother, like in World War Z, so you at least have the option to off yourself

— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) January 9, 2014

Loled at this one.

I love a good ol vag mesh lawsuit commersh

— e. spivey (@spivey_e) January 8, 2014

Sounds like a hot date night.

I had 3 dates tonight. http://t.co/tbmjRhvEpx

— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) January 10, 2014

Pickup line?

I just hope to meet a doctor someday so I can tell him I'm pregnant, nursing or may become pregnant

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 7, 2014

Sexual predators just aren't what they used to be.

On my walk this morning a creepy dude in a van commented on my "sexy ankles." Apparently it's Victorian Era Sexual Predator Friday!

— Winona (@winona_rose) January 3, 2014

Because either is unacceptable.

Now that we've finished having sex, I'd like to know if you were saying "boobies" or "boo, bees."

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) January 6, 2014

Such a helpful fellow.

"It will help you with sexual relations." -my 8yo (loudly) as I tried to discreetly pick out some undergarments at Target

— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 10, 2014

Sounded like a great story.

"Bez how'd you break your phone?" "Well it all started when my mouth was full of dicks & ended when that was a lie I dropped it in a toilet"

— Bez (@Bez) January 10, 2014

23 out of 24 ain't bad.

So far the only New Year's resolution I've kept is to be a sexy bitch 23/7 (I need an hour to poop shave cry pick at my face & overeat)

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 10, 2014

It's a sexy state, what can I say.

Just saw the weather report for California and orgasmed.

— April McLean (@april_mclean) January 9, 2014

Sorry, suitors.

Sorry, I'm already in a committed relationship with misery

— living dead squirrel (@julzvain) January 10, 2014

There's still time.

I'm pretty sure my only regret in life is not breaking my ex's nose.

— Jess Tholmer (@tholmz) January 6, 2014

A handy guide.

Five Sexts You Should Always Send Out: 1.Hai mom 2. No, that's not me. 3. You wanna put that where? 4. c u l8r 5. *shrug*

— Maritza Lugo (@PolaRoid_Rage) January 5, 2014

Especially when you then pass out on your couch alone.

taking your birth control with alcohol feels extra slutty

— Sputnik Sweetheart (@Verlieren) January 6, 2014

I get it.

my #polarvortex has been this cold for a while. #vagina

— Farah Brook (@farahbrook) January 6, 2014

Well, I mean.

Relationship Status: I can't hear the lyrics "the way you grab me must want to get nasty" without thinking of a handheld shower head :(

— Kim (@Kim_pulsive) January 8, 2014

Probably both.

A guy told me I should join his gym. Was he hitting on me or insulting me?

— Mandi Harris (@MandiHarris) January 9, 2014

Sad but true.

I want to be the exact opposite of what a man wants.

— Kasey Koop (@KaseyKoop) January 10, 2014

Not an easy choice.

I really like him, but complaining about being single is kind of my thing and I really don't want to lose that.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 7, 2014

Good one.

I'm having a Bachelor viewing party tonight...in my pants!

— Shira (@shiraselko) January 6, 2014