Etiquette For Missing a Friend's Wedding

Group Therapy: Miss a Good Friend's Wedding For Vacation?

March 30, 2010

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

So I am in a very awkward position. Every year I go to Hawaii with my family over Labor Day weekend. In December, I made the travel arrangements and booked my flight. I also made a commitment to run a marathon while there, so I am very excited about the trip. However, I just found out that a good friend (who I've known for over 10 years) has decided to get married on Sunday, September 5, right in the middle of Labor Day. She's a little slow to the planning and hasn't even sent her save the dates, but she has booked the location for that day.

I don't know what to do. I can't get the money refunded for the marathon and keep trying to change my flight and come back early for her wedding, but since it's a holiday weekend, there are literally no flights. I'm getting very upset about this because I don't want it to jeopardize our friendship, but I know she will be hurt if I don't go to her wedding. Should I cancel my entire vacation? I will be losing money. Any advice is appreciated!

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Source: Flickr User Verstyl

46 Comments

canadianbacon 3 years

My grandmother had plans for a trip to the Greek Islands and was not able to attend my wedding. She took the trip as planned, with our blessing. Had my fiancee and I been better planners, the "problem" would not have arisen. For us, there was no question: "Grandma, TAKE THE TRIP!"

3 years

Wow, the vast majority of you would be crappy friends to have! She didn't say just a friend, she said a good friend - one she's known for over 10 years. And ya'll are just like 'go on vacation?' You go on the same vacation every year. Will the world end if you skip it one year? Sorry - unless you have a professional obligation, the marathon is a lousy excuse. Marathons are a dime a dozen these days and I would be extremely insulted if you even mentioned that as part of the excuse. The only part I would be understanding of is the non-refundable ticket part. But like others said - I suspect you are full of it in regards to not being able to change tickets. Cough up the extra $100 dollars and change tickets. Go to your friend's wedding if you care about that friendship. Stop fishing for excuses on the web.

snarkypants 3 years

i agree jazzy...i forgot to put that in my previous post :OOPS: the bride has no right to get mad when people have legitimate reasons to miss the wedding. no matter when it is. for religious reasons, i will probably have to be married over a holiday weekend, since friday and saturday weddings are out. i'd hate to think people think i'm rude for having a wedding over a holiday weekend...especially since i'd be trying to make it more convenient for them. good thing i don't know anybody who does anything over labor day.

snarkypants 3 years

i agree jazzy...i forgot to put that in my previous post :OOPS: the bride has no right to get mad when people have legitimate reasons to miss the wedding. no matter when it is.for religious reasons, i will probably have to be married over a holiday weekend, since friday and saturday weddings are out. i'd hate to think people think i'm rude for having a wedding over a holiday weekend...especially since i'd be trying to make it more convenient for them. good thing i don't know anybody who does anything over labor day.

jazzytummy 3 years

Although it may not be "rude" to plan a wedding over a holiday weekend, and "the wedding is about the couple, not the guests", a bride still has to accept the fact that many people may have other plans for a holiday weekend. I think Labor Day is not a great time, because folks are getting back from summer vacations, getting their kids ready to go back to school, etc. It is just a busy time for so many people, and many probably don't have extra disposable income to travel with.Yes, you can have the attitude that the wedding is all about the couple, it's your day to be selfish, fine, just don't feel too bad if there aren't many people there to help you celebrate.

jazzytummy 3 years

Although it may not be "rude" to plan a wedding over a holiday weekend, and "the wedding is about the couple, not the guests", a bride still has to accept the fact that many people may have other plans for a holiday weekend. I think Labor Day is not a great time, because folks are getting back from summer vacations, getting their kids ready to go back to school, etc. It is just a busy time for so many people, and many probably don't have extra disposable income to travel with. Yes, you can have the attitude that the wedding is all about the couple, it's your day to be selfish, fine, just don't feel too bad if there aren't many people there to help you celebrate.

luisamapacha 3 years

There's nothing complicated about this. You say, "Jenny, I am SO sorry, but I've already purchased plane tickets and registered for a marathon out of state that weekend. I wish I had known earlier about your wedding! I promise we'll celebrate just the two of us once I'm back and you're settled with your new husband." Then send a thoughtful card and gift to the wedding and don't worry about it anymore. People know that when they plan weddings late and over a holiday weekend, their best friends sometimes won't be able to make it.

luisamapacha 3 years

There's nothing complicated about this. You say, "Jenny, I am SO sorry, but I've already purchased plane tickets and registered for a marathon out of state that weekend. I wish I had known earlier about your wedding! I promise we'll celebrate just the two of us once I'm back and you're settled with your new husband." Then send a thoughtful card and gift to the wedding and don't worry about it anymore.People know that when they plan weddings late and over a holiday weekend, their best friends sometimes won't be able to make it.

snarkypants 3 years

go on vacation. you had those plans first. the bride really shouldn't get mad, as somebody else said, an invitation is not a requirement that you go.anon #29, it's your wedding, so schedule it when YOU want. i don't think it's rude at all to plan a wedding over a holiday weekend. the wedding is about the couple, not the guests.

snarkypants 3 years

go on vacation. you had those plans first. the bride really shouldn't get mad, as somebody else said, an invitation is not a requirement that you go. anon #29, it's your wedding, so schedule it when YOU want. i don't think it's rude at all to plan a wedding over a holiday weekend. the wedding is about the couple, not the guests.

3 years

Since all of you seem to have such strong opinions on the subject, I'm gonna ask for some advice. Is it ever ok to schedule a wedding around a holiday? Im from California, he's from New York. We met, live, and work in Florida, where we want to get married. We have a lot of family members outside of the country as well. A good 80% of the guests will have to get on a plane if they want to come. I thought scheduling the day on a holiday would make things easier on them since they wouldn't have to take time off work, and any kids would have the time off school as well. And here I find it would actually be completely inconsiderate. What would you all suggest we do? I actually do have room to be flexible, as we are favoring a long engagement.

Haethre 3 years

I don't know about this "tell you earlier" stuff, because it seems that she told you at least six months ahead of the wedding date. That being said, keep your trip!! true friends are very understanding, and if she whines about this then a) she doesn't know you well enough (because you do this every year) and b) she's not worth canceling a trip for, even if you are feeling generous! Have fun in Hawaii and maybe throw her a wedding shower or take her out for an awesome lunch to de-stress before the wedding!

3 years

As someone who is planning my own wedding (on Labor Day, nonetheless!), here are my two cents: brides should feel free to plan their day whenever they want to... because it's *their* day. That said, it would be selfish of a bride to be pissed because you planned your own family vacations. People have priorities and commitments. Seems like a lot of posters are trashing the bride for being a "late planner" or "selfish;" fact is, she's allowed to be selfish, just as much as the poster should be allowed to be selfish. But at the end of the day, if your friendship dissolves over this, was it really that important to begin with? I know I wouldn't hold it against anyone who couldn't come to our wedding a) because that was one of the few that worked for us and our families and b) it's a special day to us, but we understand that other people have lives and commitments. Friendships are about the day to day, not just the BIG days.

danakscully64 3 years

I agree with the majority.

danakscully64 3 years

I agree with the majority.

3 years

i think that if you were such good friends where it truly mattered to that you would be there, that she would have reconsidered the date. especially considering the fact that more than likely, a good percentage of her other guests might have the same problem. However if you were a good friend to her you would suck up the plane ticket and explain that the reason why you will not be able to give a monetary wedding gift is because you ate the cost of your ticket to Hawaii. either way it's all about how much you value the friendship because the closer you are to her the less she'll be forgiving of your absence. female relationships can be so tenuous as it is.

Choco-cat 3 years

i'd say keep your trip...but there's a good chance she'll be mad at you (even though you're totally in the right).

3 years

Just so you know, Labor Day weekend is one of the worst days to plan weddings, solely for the fact that it's a holiday for people to go on vacations, let them be annual or not. Your bride-friend was able to book a location for her wedding so early because of this reason...that not a lot of weddings happen during Labor Day. In fact, it's considered almost rude and selfish (not calling your friend that at all, but the act) to book a wedding on/around holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day, because you are taking away your guests freedom to plan their own holiday. Although in some situations, holidays are the best to plan weddings because you have family from out of town so that they could save on travel expenses, etc. It's a sticky situation. So unless your friend realizes this conflict with all her wedding guests, she must be understanding and reasonable when it comes to guests not attending.

GregS 3 years

No, you go on vaca. You have to be considerate of others when you plan these things out, and know that some people just won't be able to make it because of __whatever__. Get a post-wedding party together of close friends of her and wish them good luck.I had a similar situation in that the man I wanted for best man couldn't make it. Something about needing to stay home with his pregnant wife - some excuse, eh? ;) The wedding was out of state by 1000 miles or so as that's where we were living at the time, so there was another party back "home" for friends and family from that corner of the world. Worked for us.

GregS 3 years

No, you go on vaca. You have to be considerate of others when you plan these things out, and know that some people just won't be able to make it because of __whatever__. Get a post-wedding party together of close friends of her and wish them good luck. I had a similar situation in that the man I wanted for best man couldn't make it. Something about needing to stay home with his pregnant wife - some excuse, eh? ;) The wedding was out of state by 1000 miles or so as that's where we were living at the time, so there was another party back "home" for friends and family from that corner of the world. Worked for us.

GlowingMoon 3 years

I'm with Zivanod.

GlowingMoon 3 years

I'm with Zivanod.

tlsgirl 3 years

I'm with the others who have said not to cancel and just do your best to attend earlier events. It's not your fault at all and a friend should be understanding. Plus, that's a lot of money to lose when you factor in nonrefundable costs and change fees.

medenginer 3 years

I wouldn't cancel the trip because she's procrastinating on wedding planning and your not even in the wedding. I would try to get into as of the experience as I could then send a nice gift. Things like this will happen when planning takes place on short notice and during summer time. She has known you long enough that this is your routine and people do have a life.

kurniakasih 3 years

Tell her about your previous commitment asap. If she's a good friend of yours, chances are, she's known about your previous commitment and won't pressure you. If I were the bride, I'd have understood that it's a holiday weekend and most people have already had plan. And I won't turn bridezilla just because a good friend of mine can't make it. Totally understandable, people have their own lives too :) Like the others have suggested, get involved in other things (planning the bachelorette, accompany her on some pre-wedding trip) and if you can't get away still from your previous obligation, just send her a heartfelt card and a nice gift from the gift registry. Good luck.

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46 Comments