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Have you ever been so fed up with the person you love that you've wanted to threaten to leave them or present them with an ultimatum, just to get some sort of reaction out of them?
My boyfriend has been driving me nuts lately — it feels like some days, he'll systematically find every way he can to shoot down every positive thing I try to do and say. He's been making bad decisions for his health, isn't looking for a new job despite being laid off recently (and he started that job knowing he'd be laid off after a few months' work), and is just generally being one of those grown-ups who still lives in their dad's basement that I never wanted to date.
He's depressed, which I know contributes to a lot of this, and has decided to wean himself off of his antidepressants and stop seeing his psychologist! I know this doesn't help, but I'm his girlfriend, not his mother. I can't make him take care of himself.
I'm just too frustrated. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me. But lately I've been feeling horrible. I can't leave him alone because I know (from experience) that if I don't put effort in to getting ahold of him, I'll never hear from him. He's just not the kind of person to be very dependent on others. I feel like if I walked away right now, he wouldn't try to stop me or tell me that he wanted me to stay, even though he's told me many times that he wants me in his life. He cares, just not enough. What do I do?
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Isabella Oliver
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Why would you want to be with someone who wouldn't even make the effort it trying to keep you???
1I don't know how much an ultimatum will help. "I'm leaving you" "I'll do better I promise". Rinse and repeat.
2No, an ultimatum will be useless. Don't waste your time.
What you have described, and I'm reading a bit between the lines here, is one of those classic characteristics about women (and such a classic situation too) that drives men nuts.
We'll never understand why you decide to stick with guys who are losers who treat you like garbage when other guys out there would treat you so much better. We'll never understand because it all comes down to "feelings".
It sounds like you are holding onto some thread of feelings for him (you like him/want to be with him) and yourself (afraid of what it feels like to be alone/ending it/feeling bad for hurting him/whatever). And that is enough to keep you in the, ahem, "relationship". I knew someone exactly like you once, who was in a poisonous relationship for years but refused to dump the guy because, well, I never understood why.
This situation is cut-and-dried. Get rid of him. Move on with your life. It will hurt at first but you'll get over it. The sooner you do it the less upset you will be in the future over the amount of time you've wasted on this dude.
3leave him.
4I am in the exact same situation right now. I am 24 and he is 23. My boyfriend of 4 years told me that he doesn't want to compromise anything, that he is selfish, a bad person, that he never wants to get married or have kids, but that he loves me and being in a relationship with me, but wonders sometimes what it would be like to be single. He said these thoughts have been brewing for the past 6 months! Meanwhile, I thought things were going really well. He had me fooled.
He is someone whose parents had a brutal divorce full of cheating, lying, visits from the police, and all the while, he was never sheltered from what went on. Him and his brother suffer emotional abuse, though they refuse to admit it. My "boyfriend" is an angry person and needs psychological help, though he would never admit it.
So, after talking to my amazing friends and family, and listening to my head and heart, I'm breaking up with him. My advice is to pick a good day when you are feeling strong and confident, write out and even rehearse what you're going to say before you meet him to do the break-up. Stay strong and hold on to yourself and surround yourself with the people who love you. Write in a journal, rearrange furniture, put anything that reminds you of him in a box and burry it in your closet. Things will get better. They have to.
5You don't sound like you want to leave him, but that may be the option you have to take. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. You still may need to leave him, but it would be better if you discuss your feelings and thoughts with him before you walk out the door so that you aren't left with any questions in your mind that leaving is the right thing to do.
6It's much easier said than done, but maybe giving your guy time to either sort out his life or not, is the way to go. Obviously right now, he is not doing his part to be half of a healthy relationship, and you said yourself you can't make him take care of himself. Maybe in the future, when he has his you-know-what together, things might be right for you- but it's a waste of your life and time to sit waiting for things to get better when you know you're not happy.
7A reality check is in order for him so let him hear it. Sometimes life sucks but you live it. You pick yourself up; work a job and become a productive member of society. If you see no results shortly you leave because he has given you no other options. Don't waste time and effort on a relationship that you will be the parent in. Sorry to sound harsh but it might be the kick in the pants he needs.
8you need to leave him for your sanity. but be ready to really do it when you tell him you are leaving. the holidays are almost here. do you want to be with a depressed person, or do you want to be without a date on new years eve? those are the 2 choices.
if you "leave" and then come back, this could go on for YEARS. so pick your time carefully.
9i completely understand where you are because i was there a couple years ago. i was with an ex for two and a half years who loved me and whatnot, but was just unmotivated to the Nth degree. he was 22 and i was 20 and all he did was sit in his room (still lived with his mom), did not work or go to school, and just sat around playing computer games. so eventually i realized that i was going somewhere and couldn't be with someone who didn't go along for the ride. it's unfair for you to drag your bf along. you really need to move on--no matter how much it hurts right now.
10I agree with Pistil. Ultimatums rarely, rarely, rarely work. It is exactly what she said. "I'm leaving you if you don't stop this." "I'll stop and it will be better, I promise!" Repeat, repeat, repeat.
11It would be one thing if he was unmotivated, depressed, etc etc...but you ended off the post by saying he wouldn't try to get you back if you left him. What is to decide? He doesn't care enough about himself - nevermind you. Find someone who wants to be with you and wants to help himself.
People don't change.
12I say you should walk away from this. If he is dealing with depression to the point that he is on medication and seeking counseling, and has decided not to any longer, but is not in a healthy mental state, theres not much you can do at this point. You can't force him to do it, and he probably wont have the motivation to do it on his own unless he gets his problems back on track and under control. My husband has severe depression, so I know the kind of life this can be for the partner, but ultimately it has to be his decision. You can support and encourage him until youre blue in the face, but he has to make the move.
13These kind of things will not bode well for a relationship or a marriage. You can only sit back and let him help himself.
14From personal experience, with a boyfriend who was suicidal, I understand that it's a very difficult position for you, but you need to know, you can only do so much to help, you can't have the world on your shoulder. You have to understand that you're not the professional who can really help him from the roots. It will reach to a point where HE knows HE needs to find help HIMSELF otherwise, he would be making the decision of letting himself rot away.
Wise words from my dad: "You are not having a relationship with him, you're having a relationship with his illness."
I'm sorry, as much as it hurts, know that he is not even fit for a relationship right now. He needs to get himself healthy first and I believe you've tried the hardest you can and it's time to let go and make sure you take care of YOURSELF. You are not responsible for him.
To be in a relationship with someone, they should be lifting you up and not dragging you down. Sticking around and checking up on him, making that your responsibility, actually makes him dependent on you even more. I don't know if your boyfriend did the same, but my ex-bf said things that guilt-tripped me into staying....but don't fall for it!! IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to help him live HIS LIFE! Know that, you're supporting him, but you're not getting support from him, so your friends and family are the ones supporting you... it's a vicious cycle of dragging everyone into this distressed, anxious life.
15Mind I add, that my ex did the same.. the whole repeat of "I promise I'll get better." Don't get fooled. My ex did that a few times after we talked about our relationship and I'm not getting what I need from him. It may seem like he is changing for 1 week, 2 weeks or even a month. But watch closely, it's usually quick fixes that he'd try to change, but won't last. Everytime he told me he'd change, he would for the next week or so, and he'd try so hard, that at first I would think "wow... he really got his life together" then he'd fall off the wagon again.
You have to be firm and not to give him chances and chances... then realize you wasted your time and emotions on him.
I'm sorry reality is sad, but he just doesn't sound fit to take care of anyone. Find someone who is on an equal in a relationship.
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