Dating Much Older Men

"I Like Much Older Guys"

April 27, 2012

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am 26 and since I can remember I've always had a thing for older guys. My first big celebrity crush was Ralph Fiennes in The English Patient and Jeremy Irons in The Mission — which is pretty weird but those actors/movies are pretty awesome and I'm sure many women have felt the same. Difference was, I was 9. When I was in early primary school and everyone was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio, I was doodling Alan Rickman's name on the back of my lever arch file.

I have dated guys that are my age and I have enjoyed their personalities and had (somewhat) successful relationships and although I was attracted to them, I never felt myself get gooey on the inside — if that makes sense. I just find older guys physically appealing. I get really turned on by grey hair and male pattern baldness. And dare I even say the slight paunch that men get when they are older. I have not found a man in his 20s or 30s attractive in a few years now. This is pretty weird, because I am definitely a young looking 26 year old (still get carded) and I am quite fit, dress for my age, often get approached by guys my age etc. I would not say I am craving the security and stability that comes with being older or dating someone who is older, although those are things most people who would like a relationship would logically desire . . . including me.

By the way, this is definitely not "Daddy Issues." My parents have a long, healthy, happy marriage and I come from a very close knit loving family. In fact, my Dad who is 55 is a fitness junkie like me and often passes for 44-45ish.

It's also definitely not financial. I am pretty successful and independent (have lived by myself and paid my own way since 18), and do not want someone to take care of me or buy me things in order to feel appreciated. Nor do I feel at this stage that I want to be nurtured and treated in a juvenile manner. I feel this is a sort of sexual awakening.

I am currently dating a man who is 41. We started dating about 3 years ago and I originally lied to him and said I was a young-looking 30 year old for our first three dates so he would take me seriously — we met through online dating. Although I love him dearly and think he is very attractive, I still find men that are much older than him more appealing. Like around 60 would be ideal for me.

I've tried talking to my best and closest girl friends about this, and they usually just say . . . "ewww that's gross!" and laugh it off as a joke. But I'm being serious. I am considering leaving my current relationship because these feelings are causing me to feel a bit distracted. I think I should try pursue this. I am worried about what my family and friends will think.

Everyone knows I have always liked older men, but I'm afraid that dating anyone older might cause my parents to have . . . um . . . heart attacks.

Do I need help? Is this a weird fetish, considering I am thinking purely with my loins? AM I CRAZY?!

Source: Shutterstock

18 Comments

EL Pea14889968 11 weeks

WOW YOU KNOW THERE IS A CHANCE THAT THIS COULD WORK... I SAID A CHANCE. AS A MAN IN HIS 50s I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WOMEN MY AGE BEING MATURE, SO THINK IT WOULD BE UNFARE TO ASK A YOUNGER WOMAN TO BE SO MATURE. I WOULD LIKE A WOMAN TO BE HERSELF, THEN WE'LL SEE IF WE CAN GET ALONG OR SEE IF THERE ARE ANY CONFLICTS THAT CAN'T BE WORKED OUT. HERE'S A HINT, IT HASN'T WORKED YET.

anjinluv 1 year

I understand hoíw u feel. I am a 38 year old qoman in a loving long term relationship with a 56 year old man. I am very much in love with this man. I would say go for it. But you have to make a decision. If you're going to leave the one man for someone older, don't leave him hanging on theline. If you really care for this man, I wouldn't just drop him for the simple sake of finding someone older. That's just crazy. If you love someone, then stick with them. I couldn't think of leaving my man for someone younger, older, or anyone. Good luck whatever the decision. Oh and by the way, for the people who talk about becoming a widow early- you could very well become a widow early with someone your own age. Death has no boundaries.

Claire3130574 1 year

Try dating a single dad. They have the maturity of older men, know what's important, and importantly, won't die on your 40th birthday.

geekgrrlromance 1 year

Let's see if you are still feenin' for oldies when YOU are 55!

alternative2love 1 year

Did you just come from the "Louie" episode, "So Old" (1.4) or something? This is uncannily similar.

testadura67 1 year

Honestly, it sounds more like a fetish to me. You're already dating someone 15 years older than you who you say you love dearly. If you love this man, but the only problem is that he's not physically old enough, then to me it sounds like a fetish. Everyone has a "type" (mine's tall, dark, and scruffy), but that type shouldn't limit your ability to engage in a healthy sexual relationship with someone who doesn't epitomize that particular type. If you love your boyfriend, and have a healthy relationship that you want to keep, I'd suggest seeing a therapist that specializes in sexual relationships. They may be able to help you figure how to incorporate the suddenly intensified desires you're feeling into a healthy relationship, be it your existing one, or in moving on and finding a new one.

xxinfinitepleasurexy 1 year

I'm 18 and the exact same way. It's impossible for me to find a sexual partner because of my age and limitations(still living with parents). You can't help who you're attracted to, no big deal. Some people are old at 18, and some people are young at 90. Time is a concept that humans created.

BloominGorgeous 1 year

Personally, I wouldn't worry about it. I am also in my mid 20s and am dating a man 10 years older than me and it's the most satisfying relationship I have been in. I have had a couple long term relationships with guys my age, but they just didn't work out. I've always been told that I come off much more mature and poised for my age. I also find his gray hair very attractive, so I can relate to that. I think as long as you like him for him, there's no reason to let the age difference get in the way. My friends and family thought it was a little weird at first, but since they know I am happy and in a healthy relationship, they don't mind. I think your friends and family will get used to it too. Just do what makes you happy and the people that really love and care about you won't judge you for it.

BiWife 1 year

The only thing that I think you should change is how you're a) being sex negative and b) using lies to try and get around your perceived problems that others might have. It's perfectly normal to be sexually attracted to a certain type of person, and that "type" changes for each individual, and even fluctuates over the course of one's life. Go for what makes you happy and fulfilled. Don't be ashamed of it, own it. Don't lie to guys to try and get them to take you more seriously, they will only be more hurt that you lied. Give the guys credit and let them make fully informed decisions for themselves. If they aren't into someone as young as you, then they aren't for you.

kmlvr9 1 year

I agree with the other members on this site. If thats what you like, then so be it. And I wouldnt worry about what other people think. I happen to believe in past lives, and your situation may be connected to some past life issue. Maybe you should consider past life regression to see if this is the reason for your attracttion to older men. Good Luck.....

Bubbles12 1 year

Older men who have used their years wisely and are lucky often will have more depth, patience, love and money. Or at least fiscal stability. And there is the ol' Daddy clause. What's there to worry about? What your friends think? If the men you choose have lived those years wisely they'll sorely envy you in many ways. Except sexually when the years really go on. That's the only significant downside I can see. Enjoy!

luckyduckyy 1 year

Thanks, Miss Kaylie. And creativedesign, I cringe when people bring up Freud's 'good points' as though his psychology is applicable today. Freud was a whackjob who was overly obsessed with sex. Granted, I think some of his ideas are interesting, but they really hold no value. I mean, that whole idea of the oedipus complex and that women secretly fantasize about being with their fathers? Creepy and gross! And untrue. He was just obsessed with sex, and assumed others were the same way.

Miss Kaylie 1 year

LuckyDuckyy I think you brought up some really relevant points the poster will want to consider. I thought about the partner dying first and much, much sooner thing too but didn't know how to put it. Good advice!

creativedesign 1 year

Maybe you love your dad so much that you want to marry him! It is a little creepy. But, Freud had a good point. Its part of you so I wouldn't try to shake it.

Aquadave 1 year

Go for it! you know what for the last 10yrs I've been dating girls in their early to mid 20s and I'll be 52 in a couple weeks. We've had some great times and I'm still friends with all of them. The ones I've dated over 40, we hate each other and don't speak. People in their 20s can hold just as intelligent conversations as those in their 30s,40s or 80s. Young boys want to hang with their buds, get stupid drunk, disrespect you in front of others to act big, don't open doors, give flowers, candy, or pay for dinner. a woman wants to be treated right which older men can do. My friends said the same as Gold to me and I have been trying to date women my age and it SUCKS! I've been used, abused (physically and mentally), lied to, They are evil and mean. Older women only want what they can get out of you, they don't want a relationship, friendship, or mutual respect it's all about them. Older women expect to be treated nice and take it for granted and forget men like a thank you every now and then. 2 yr ago I had a 42yr girlfriend huge mistake all she wanted me for was to fix her house I begged her for us to do something together even just grocery shopping and all I got was NO. We broke up and back comes an "old" girlfriend who just turned 24 we hit it off again. We dated for about 6 months I told her I wanted to date women my age She told me I was stupid to try. Well now 6 months later I'm single and alone and haven't found a date in that much time. I'm still trying

luckyduckyy 1 year

I don't think you need to change your desire. I will admit, though, that I find your situation a bit unusual because I've never encountered such a thing before. I have heard about 'gerontophilia', which is a psychiatric term for the sexual attraction of younger people towards the elderly. Most often, people view it as a disorder and something that needs to be fixed. However, that was once the case for many other things (e.g. women desiring sex...that was once thought to be a mental disorder), and look how wrong that is. I think that if what you really want is to be with much older men, then go for it. But you must take into consideration all the consequences before you decide on such a thing. Here are some possible consequences: 1) You will have to break up with your current boyfriend, who may be very hurt to be dumped by you; 2)You may be throwing away a perfectly healthy relationship in pursuit of an unknown ideal (will being with a much older man be all it's cracked up to be?); 3) Outsiders (including your friends and family, as well as strangers) will get the wrong impression of you. You need to be certain that you're willing to deal with the stares and snide comments. People will think you're a gold-digger, that you can't possibly actually love him and be sexually attracted to him (no matter what you say to the contrary), and his family will most likely be unwelcoming and treat you like you don't belong. If you get people to believe you really love him and are sexually attracted to him, then they'll think something is wrong with you. Again, you need to decide if you can deal with all of this; 4) The much older man you may date will most likely pass away long before you do. You will be heartbroken and have to grieve the loss, just as any person would. However, you would most likely go through the grieving process much earlier than most couples would. 5) Bringing him around to your friends and family, and trying to get him to be a part of the family and socialize, will be very difficult. He has lived in a different era. He would be older than even your parents, so even they would have a hard time relating to him. Your friends probably won't be able to relate to him at all. Moreover, your parents may not be cool with the whole idea of you dating a much older man. It may be because they will be uncomfortable knowing that you are attracted to someone even older than they are, and that this person will defy their expectations of what your boyfriend should look like (young, healthy, fit... emphasis on the 'young').

Miss Kaylie 1 year

I don't think you should "work at changing your desire" at all. Nor do I think this is something you can change. Just like I believe gay people can't be sent to those "get straight" camps and change their desire. (Pax4Pax this is not a personal attack or an invitation for a debate on these issues, we feel differently and that's all.) It is definitely uncommon, but this doesn't mean the attraction is wrong. It sounds purely physical and I don't think that's something you or anyone can change. Of course I don't know enough about the situation to give really great advice, but I might suggest taking a break from your boyfriend. Explore this sexual desire (safely and smartly, of course!) and pay careful attention to how you are thinking and feeling afterwards. This might provide more clarity once you've satisfied the urge. Hopefully you would have more of an idea of whether this was just a "need to get it out of your system" kind of thing, or if after having explored the option, you decide this is the type of person you'd like to have a relationship with. If I were in your place, I would do that, and take everything slow, and have an honest dialogue with myself or a someone else you can trust (if your friends aren't supportive about it and wave it off as gross, maybe consider a therapist for an objective point of view). I would pay careful attention to how everything feels and what changes after exploring it. I think the combination of the experience and an honest discussion about it will make things more clear to you afterward. And if you decide this is just the type of person you're attracted to, then it will be much easier to answer the inevitable questions from friends and family if and when the time comes. If your friends and family don't support it then there's not much you can do, but at least you respected yourself and them enough to be honest... which is always right, being true to yourself. You may find that once you've tried it, it's not something you obsess over anymore. Or maybe you'll try it and decide it's a fun sexual fantasy but not something you need in real life. We all know dudes get it on with their ladies and fantasize about Megan Fox (or whoever), maybe a viable option for you is to keep on keepin' on with your boyfriend but fantasize about your hot older guy de jour, or even better, fantasize about your boyfriend when he's the age you find most attractive. Whatever path you take dear, just know that no matter what anyone says (or posts here), your desires are not wrong. Best of luck to you and keep us posted with how it's working out if you'd like.

pax4pax 1 year

Each of us is different. In prior eras, older men were paired with much younger women -- that is not today, however. You should work at changing your desire. Think about being with someone your own age and maturing to that golden place (that you see) together.

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18 Comments