Group Therapy: Should We Break Up Because He Doesn't Want to Get Married?

You've been together for 4 years, if he was going to change he would have already. Yes, when he is 35 he may suddenly realize he wants children but are you willing to wait 10 years with absolutely no guarantees?

He has told you right there, to your face, in no uncertain words that he does not want to marry you, he does not want children, he does not want to live with you. Why are you considering waiting at all? He has made his intentions clear. He wasn't trying to be a jerk about it, either! We was just letting you know that he has made his decision and you cannot change it. This is up to you now and your decision should be to get the f*ck out of this waste of time relationship and find someone with the same morals, views and values as you. He is not the one for you.

I know it's hard to accept that the current love of your life is not the man you will grow old with and marry but he has already told you how far he's willing to go with you. Do not sacrifice your happiness hoping he will change because he won't and if you waste any more time waiting for him to suddenly turn into your perfect husband and father then you will only begin to resent him and regret wasting your time.

He was honest with you, time to be honest with yourself. Break up with him and move on.

Good luck

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SBT is exactly right, he was letting you know what his deal-breakers are. He's probably great at compromise in other areas or you wouldn't have lasted the few years that you have. I'd say that if you're willing to forgo an official marriage & kids because he is more important, then definitely stick with him. If those goals are more important than what you have now, you need to move on & find someone else with those same goals.

I can't believe you only had this conversation now-I mean 4 years!!! Only you can decide how important marriage and family is to you. To me, I would feel like my boyfriend is somehow reserving the option to leave me if he wouldn't marry me ever, but like I said, only you can decide how you feel.

This isn't about him changing. It's about you deciding. How long do you want this man in your life as your boyfriend? That is what he wants to be. It's disrespectful to assume he doesn't mean what he says.

He doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want children with you, he said so to your face. At least he's honest about it (although next time around, find out pretty soon what a man's pov via marriage and children, mm'kay?)

Is this a dealbreaker to you? If you want to get married and have children, I suggest you guys separate ways as soon as you can. Why prolong the inevitable? You're losing time meeting the right man who wants to marry you and wants to be a father if you're staying around with a man who doesn't want both.

Either change your mind about marriage and family or break it off.

Good luck.

It sounds like he is expecting you to make all the sacrifices without having to make any of his own. If he was so interested in keeping you, he would sit down with you and find out what you really want and figure out a way to make it work.

Relationships are about compromise, true, but the desire to get married and have children aren't just going to go away.

You don't want to push him into doing something he doesn't want to do (especially having kids), but he needs to respect your wishes as well and if he can't, then it's time for both of you to move on to someone who will.

So, uh, why has it taken four years for this CRITICAL piece of data to be discussed? When my wife and I were dating this was discussed very early on, like before six months.

So, I can tell you what this guy is thinking - he's got it easy with you. Sex, companionship, the girlfriend experience, whatever you want to call it, without formally committing himself to anything. No ties, no kids, no engagement, no onus on him to "man up". It's perfect - this is exactly what immature guys want.

You make the following comment: "...we'll have to address the idea that we're not right for each other and that I really have no idea when that will be."

This is academic. I mean come on, are you serious? You have just found out that you two are not right for each other. What do you need the Tres Sugar community to tell you here?

As long as your with him you might never get married, and reading your post it seems like marriage is important to you. Don't wait around for something that will or will not happen. If you give up on something thats important to you because of someone else you'll start to regret it later on and this will put as strain on your relationship.
Its been 4 year, if he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with you he would have already proposed, especially if he knows that marriage is something important to you. Theres no point waiting around when clearly the two of you want different thing out of life. Don't force him into doing something he doesn't want to do and you don't have to give up on marriage just because he doesn't want to get married. In my opinion I think its best that both of you separate and find a partner that wants the same things as you and can make you happy.

This is a terrible, terrible time to do this but the girls are right. You want different things. Every wedding you get invited to, every engagement you hear about, and every couple moving in together will remind you of what he doesn't want with you- and that is going to hurt you a lot.

I think you are really responsible talking openly and honestly about it, and not issuing ultimatums. And you must love each other, and I feel really badly for you. But I promise you will find someone awesome who does want to wake up to you every morning, wait for you at the end of the aisle, and fight over furniture with you.

I am so sorry, and try to be good to yourself this holiday.

I agree with the consenseous. I also agree with GTCB that he's being really immature. To be fair, I didn't want marriage either when I was 24, but then I met the right guy. I think he's very immature.

I disagree with what the guy above said. We don't know how old this guy was. Fact remains you were 21 when you started dating. It's entirely normal to NOT discuss huge issues in the first year.

If you're really having doubts you need to get out, but what it comes down to is that no one here on this online community knows your relationship history. So take these suggestions with a grain of salt. It's possible that you threw him off guard with the topic and he spoke out of anger/fear.

I think it's a topic that should be revisited before you decide to axe the whole thing. Perhaps on a second, calm round you guys can communicate better and figure out what all of these things mean. If you're still not in agreement or unwilling to compromise? Then yes. It's probably best to move on.

Also after four year if he can't even live with you how do you expect him to be married to you?
Anyways hopefully you'll make the right decision good luck

I have a friend who dated a guy who had a girlfriend for over TWENTY YEARS before her. He gave the 20 year girlfriend all the same lines "I want to be with you forever" "I just don't believe in marriage" "I don't want kids" "We're basically married anyway and it's just a piece of paper." and then left her for my 25 year old friend. (They broke up later too for all the same reasons.)

My point is, get out now, before you are 45 and back on the singles scene after 20 years of a lack of real commitment.

Yes, break up. You don't differ on just whether or not you want to get married--you differ religiously as well. THAT is huge.

I totally agree with that, Sourcherry.

Look, he told you how he feel. Waiting for a miraculous change is big risk and who knows, and at the end will be a big waist of your time. And I completely disagree with mallorycurtis, marriage and kids is something that people should not compromise, if they don't want something they shouldn't be force to do it, the same goes for you. Don't waist more of your time on a relationship that has no future.

ugh. enough with these ultimatum questions. doesn't anybody have any other problems?

I don't think he's giving you a line. But he is being honest. He says he wants to be with you forever but doesn't want to get married. Why is one part of that sentence more believable than the other? People get divorced all the time, marriage is not a garentee of forever.

The thing that I find most worrisome is the no child stance. After the holidays I suggest revisiting that. Really important to be on the same page as your partner in that area.

There really is no revisiting on this. He doesn't want those things, and will not want them anytime soon if ever. You want different things, a different life, and have way different ideas about whats important. You need to just walk away now before you waste years of time and emotion on a dead end situation.

I agree with pretty much everyone. There is no hope here for you two. I'm sorry, but the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on and find someone who wants the same things out of life (no waiting 4 years for that convo, though).

Besides, even if he did eventually "compromise" (things like kids and marriage should never have to be compromised, by the way... both people need to really want them) do you really want to be the woman who had to twist her boyfriend's arm into marrying her and having kids??

Women who prioritize a ring on their finger between 18-26 with men in THAT age range are going to have a select group to choose from. It will be a guy who is desperate for you, or a self absorbed troglodyte. You are either not worth it, or he is not ready, but both are equally plausible.

Also from many guys point of view we see the ceremony as overstatement, unnecessary, and even insulting. Why should we "show-off" if we are in love with one-another? Men often avoid showing off...after all showing-off is compensation.

He did NOT say he doesnt want a family and doesnt want to be with you. Im not sure why all the posters are attacking him as being immature. It's not immature to feel that marriage is really a useless institution and that two people can have a lifetime commitment without it. I feel the same way, and I'm 31. I don't need a diamond ring and a wasteful ceremony to know someone cares about me or to feel secure they wont abandon me. If you do feel that way, obviously you need to find someone who shares your traditional values.

What part of "'And I don't want to have kids. I know you've said you want to adopt 1 or 2, but I don't want any. And if did decide to down the line I would never adopt.'" means that he WANTS to have children misskimberly?

I swear, these people on Tressugar and Group Therapy don't read the posts and they say all this junk. Don't give your opinion if you don't read it.

I waited for 5 1/2 years for my ex to propose to me. He knew I had wanted it since day one and he lied to me on and off, saying it would happen and 2 months before HE broke up with me, he had me picking out engaged rings and trying on wedding dresses. If he truly doesn't "believe" in marriage, then it shouldn't matter to him if you get married because it's what YOU want. If you're going to be together forever, why not take the tax breaks and be able to make medical decisions for the other in case of an accident? Something just doesn't sound right about him, there are numerous red flags going up.

danak, if a man has to compromise his stance on marriage (since he's indifferent after all) i think the woman has to compromise on having a huge wedding with all the expensive bells, whistles, and bragging rights. after all, if a family and marriage is all she wants, the frivolous crap shouldn't matter, should it? sorry but did we forget that marriage is a partnership? it's not "do what the woman wants because what she wants is all that matters" obviously ultimatums don't work, and whether you're married or not won't help the relationship last if it's not fundamentally sound.

this guy doesn't sound immature, he sounds like a normal man in his 20's. most men in that age bracket aren't chomping at the bit to get married or have kids, and i don't blame them. ladies, we need to think like men sometimes, and men aren't having marriage and babies shoved down their throat as "life's greatest goal" all the time. they're neither biologically nor psychologically rigged to hop on board with these concepts so readily. they have their own goals, their own pace as well. the only thing you can do is either calm down, compromise, or leave.

and please with all the "it's been four years he should have proposed" sort of nonsense. not everyone is running on a precise clock for when major life events should happen. i've been in an amazing relationship for four years and neither of us want to get married, we don't "believe" in the whole antiquated institution either.

I agree, but I'm curious as to why she's just finding out about this 4 years later. I have a feeling he either changed his mind or has always told her this, she just hoped he would change. I'm not saying he should just go along because she wants to, but if he wanted to be with her forever, he would want to do what makes her happy.

I can't find the statistics I've read, but I've heard that if he hasn't proposed after 3 years, he'll likely never do it. Readiness is a factor too, read this in Cosmo:

“Being ready,” says Gratch (clinical psychologist Alon Gratch, PhD). “In my 25 years of experience working with men as a relationship therapist, it’s 49 percent the right woman, 51 percent his readiness to commit.” That means that compatibility is hugely important. But if he’s not in a marriage mind-set yet, he’s not going to commit to anyone...not even Gisele.

i just want to add that this is a women's issues forum, and our purpose is not to deal with abusive, angry feelings men may have towards woman. If you are a guy coming here, I think the impetus is on you to be polite.

To call this guy immature...is immature. There are a lot of people out there his age and older that don't have the desire to get married. Its his choice, it does not mean that the person is immature. You don't need an elaborate and expensive wedding or a piece of metal to express your love for someone. Its really just pomp and circumstance. However, I do realize that those things are important to some people. And, I also agree that if you want to get married now, and want children now, then you should probably think of other alternatives. At some point most people get bitten by the baby bug and marriage bug and he probably will too. But, then again he may never get the desire to get married or have children and that could be a lot of time wasted if those are things that you definitely want.

Spacekat, I think the impetus should be on EVERYONE to be polite. And its not just a "woman's forum". Anyone should be able to come here to get advice. Does that mean that ABC News, CNN, CBS and Fox News are fora for men only?

Why would the news be a men's only forum? Anyways, he's not going to marry you. He's comfotable with you but not going to marry you However, you could always wait another 3-5 years to find out if he does propose but I can guaranteee you that if you do stick around after how he pretty much spelled out that you guys are not on the same page at all you will not be happy. you will constantly be thinking about this. You woul not be foolish to break up with him.

i have good news for you: meeting new guys is going to be fun and exciting. and when you find someone you like who likes you too and wants the same things it will be so much sweeter than this. dump him now. there's a slim chance in him crawling back and if it happens hear him out (he might be turned on by your strength and confidence in leaving) but if you dont dump him now i think you'll regret it.