Worst Tinder Date

This guy was cute. I confirmed it with my co-workers, who looked at his picture when I passed it around the office shortly before I left for the date. (What if I disappeared? They needed to know who I was last seen with. He was a stranger, after all.)

Source: MGM

Oh, goodness. His thinning hair was greasy, his sweatshirt was baggy, and his shoes were dirty. He looked like the poor man's version of the least flattering picture on his profile. I started to question my decision to wake up a half-hour early to do my hair up all cute.

He asked me how I Tinder, and I genuinely didn't even know what that meant. He went on to tell me his strategy is to say yes to every girl (he doesn't even look at the pictures) and strike up a conversation. That really made me feel special. But also, maybe I was the shallow one because I look at the pictures? Such internal conflict.

Why was he staring at me like he wanted to lick my face? Was there Nutella on it?

We started talking about the fact that I don't drink, and he goes, "Yeah, sometimes I think I should stop, too." When I ask why, he starts telling me about the time he woke up in an unfamiliar place with blood all over his hands. What do you even do with that?

Source: MGM

OK, I don't always need a guy to pay for me. Having said that, it's a nice gesture, especially on the first date. Usually I make a move for my wallet, and the guy will go, "No, this is on me," and I'll shyly put away my wallet and say, "Thank you," genuinely appreciating the free meal. Instead, we walked up to the counter and he says, "So we'll split this?" That's $6 I'll never get back.

Look, it's enough pressure to go on a date with a stranger. I don't need some kid judging our chemistry.

Source: A24 Films

I know it's a double standard that girls get an experimental phase and guys don't, but I didn't make the rules. In fact, it didn't even bother me so much that he kissed a man, but it did bother me that he had a propensity to flirt with men just to get free drinks. His story about getting drunk with a male co-worker and making out with him (and "maybe more") only to tell him later that he was "totally straight" and doesn't want anything to do with the poor guy bothered me the most.

You're right, working part-time at CPK is way better.

At this point, bringing up his past relationship didn't even register on my radar of why this date was a fail. Though, in case you were wondering, they dated for five and a half years, he still loves her, and he let her keep the $4,000 Tiffany ring. Whatta guy.

I can't even.

Why did I say that? HE DIDN'T EVEN PAY FOR THE CHEESE.

The most offensive part of this whole experience was him telling me, "For a Tinder date, you're someone that I really liked." Really? Because I hate you.

I literally crawled into the fetal position. Then I checked my Tinder, where a new guy had messaged me asking if I was into "butt stuff." I'm starting to think this app isn't for me.