My Boyfriend Looks at Porn and Other Girls

"Is He Just Immature or a Perv?"

14

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am so embarrassed to talk about this with my friends, so I am posting it here, especially cause all my friends know and love my BF and I don't want their opinion of him to change.

Anyways, I am 26 and have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a year. He is kind, caring, and makes me laugh 'till my stomach hurts. We are very much in love, and he still gives me butterflies! I love his family, and I am actually hoping to marry him.

Here's the issue: I knew that he was always into girls and stuff (duh) but that he looks at porn and such. I do, I know all guys do. But now I'm discovering the extent of the porn he is looking at, and the way he talks to girls and stuff that has me a little concerned. I went through his Facebook when we started dating (I know, my fault; I'm terrible) and saw that he was chatting up girls and asking for pics of their boobs and stuff. (Some he knew, some he didn't.) I confronted him, he apologized and doesn't do it anymore. (I trust him; I know he's not doing it — I check up on him.)

But before we were dating there are tons of messages to girls asking to see their boobs and such — and that makes me think he's a scumbag. I have plenty of male friends who don't talk to me that way, and that's the way he was talking to his "friends," some girls that he even hangs out with currently (like his sister's friends, etc.), so it makes me uncomfortable. So yeah, I guess he still needs to get his fix on, so I noticed that he created a Twitter and is following around 200 women on there who post naked pics and such. He also goes on Tumblr from his home computer and looks up naked pics, stripping videos, etc.

We have a very active sex life — and I am very much into sex — I wear the lingerie, heels, etc. I don't care that he looks at porn, but I feel that he is a little excessive. He sits around on his phone on Twitter looking at those sites, and then sits on his home computer and looks at them. I dunno, it just makes me feel inferior.

Another example is that we got into a little tiff cause he loves tan lines on women, he tells me all the time, and he has recently Tweeted about how much he loves tan lines. He thinks I should get some, but I had a basal cell removed, so I am content with staying pasty white and never having a tan again, so I do not have to go through surgery again (I also believe tan lines are insanely trashy) and I feel that he wants me to have them. Also, if we are out he kind of ogles girls in passing, and it just irks me because (I hate to be vain), but I'm very attractive (I've had plenty of guys tell me I'm a 10 and my girlfriends say that I'm a 10 and he's more like a 5). It's not the looks I care about, but if I am so "attractive" then why does he have to constantly look at pics of other girls ALL THE TIME?

Will he ever grow out of this? I haven't said anything to him for fear of just looking like an insecure asshole, but part of me wants to say, "WTF?! Slow down!" Like I said, it's OK if it's every once in a while, but when I use his computer it's ALL over the place. I don't know. I just needed to vent. Does anyone understand where I'm coming from?

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14 Comments

Saecilia
That is really excessive and not normal. All guys look at porn, but he is going above and beyond. It's one thing to just watch porn, its another thing to actively ask girls for their naked pictures and following girls on twitter who posts pix up. He is definitely not a committed guy if he does stuff like that. It seems like he still wants attention from girls. Break up with him. It seems like you are spending so much energy "checking up" on him that you dont have much of a relationship
poose
I understand 100%, or at least I think I do. My boyfriend watches porn so much, and I guess this is where I'm different form you, it makes me super insecure that he'd rather watch it then have sex with me. But, to go from looking at it on his phone to turning around and looking at it on him computer, that is a little much. I agree with what tesatdura67 says, " You shouldn't be with someone who disregards your feelings, especially about something as deeply personal as sex and fidelity. "
testadura67 testadura67
I agree that his porn habit is excessive. But if you're actually interested in saving the relationship, then you need to talk to him about it. I think stuffings is right about him seeing you and porn as two separate entities that are unaffected by each other. You need to let him know that's not the case. Let him know that his excessive porn habit and poor behavior is damaging your relationship. If he loves you, he'll care that he's hurting you and work to find a middle ground. If he says you're being ridiculous, then leave. You shouldn't be with someone who disregards your feelings, especially about something as deeply personal as sex and fidelity.
Starling123 Starling123
No one can tell you what is an acceptable amount of porn, every woman is different in her tolerance level . If its outside your comfort level, then its a problem. In my experience if he's being completely open with his activities then you have less reason to be suspicious. If he's hiding it then that is a red flag. Another thing to consider since you want to marry him is this; If he's this into porn and sexting when he's getting regular, awesome sex from you, what will it escalate too after 5-10 years of marriage, kids, and life in general, when things are less exciting? Follow you instincts and you won't go wrong, if something in you is saying this is a problem, then it probably is.
vizslalvr vizslalvr
I agree entirely that if you trusted him, you would not have to check up on him. And that a relationship without trust is a big waste of time. However, you have every right not to trust him - he is a scumbag, for pete's sake. He makes you feel inferior by oogling other women, both online and in real life. He's a jerk. MOVE ON. You should not stay in a relationship hoping he'll transform from a pig into a gentleman. Because 9/10 ... he's just going to get sneakier and better at hiding it, not truly less of a scummy perv.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12
Oh honey I'm worried about your behavior. Admit it, if your friends knew what you were thinking and doing they'd be appalled. We're safe, so good for you coming here. Think about it, the way you've acted he can truthfully say to friends you're continually hacking into his accounts because of your suspicions and jealous. That you are so jealous, you even get mad at tan lines he admires. That's you. Sounds bad, right? Seeing the light yet? You're giving up your value system. Apologies aside, spying and hacking is not ok and you do understand that but you're doing it anyway. When you've lost trust to that degree, something is seriously off. His behavior violates your value system and makes you jealous, insecure and behave in embarrassing ways. But your still with him? That's the problem. These are significant signs of an addiction, yours to a sex addict. An emotionally healthy woman would have allowed herself to absorb the reality of what he's doing, been completely and scaldingly appalled, and run away. You're abandoning and hurting yourself. Screw the porn. The asking 'female friends' for nude pics is an act of hostility and attempt at domination. He's checking out to see how submissive and without self-esteem they are. I'm pretty sure that isn't the only thing he asked of the ones that complied, there were probably other embarrassing things he tried to get them to do. Even if he quit that, what ever is in him that drives that kind of desire to humiliate women is still there. You're proof, let's take a look. He's baiting you with tan lines and now you're a woman who says another woman is a skank for owning a tan line? If there is no other sign you've lost sight of reality because of the jealousy he's driving in you, that's enough. His game is clearly to get women to humiliate themselves on his behalf. Especially to get one who is a 10 to his 5 be jealous and humiliate herself to be with him -- that is a fairly big score. And he's succeeding. Yes, that's very much the behavior of a sex addict and his co-addict. Run, don't walk to get "Women Who Love Too Much", "Co-dependent No More" and "Out of the Shadows" (about sex addiction). Check out personality disorders like 'sociopath'. That will be just be beginning. Go to therapy. Figure out why you've abandoned your integrity and pride to be with a man. There will be other men like him that come along, especially if you're self-esteem is low enough to put up with this stuff and physical beauty high.
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie
It sounds like he may be a sex addict. No matter if he is or isn't, his behavior is not a reflection on you. You're not inferior because you can't meet his out-of-control needs. Also, I agree with the other poster who said that if you're checking up on him, then you don't trust him. Not completely. A relationship without trust is doomed. The way you feel now will only get worse as the years go by unless he seeks help for whatever issues he has.
Aquadave Aquadave
Dump him!!!!! I look at porn but would never do all that on FB and Twit. He befriended those girls after yall were together. NO NO NO he will cheat and lie to you get rid of him
pax4pax pax4pax
He is messed up. Just because every guy does it (which is not true), does not make it good for him or your relationship. It's an addiction and he won't stop till he understands and wants to stop. Sounds like he is far from that. At a 5 in your scale, dump and run/
stuffings stuffings
Hey there, Dont worry. My boyfriend has the same issue. I would turn on his computer and it would just be littered with raunchy images, he bedroom was STUFFED bursting at the seams with the magazines etc. If he is the same age as you, it sounds like he may still be at that age in which he compartmentalizes women. Compartmentalization refers to an ability to divide something up into segments or parts, its a mans natural ability to deal with stress and feelings. Because men have little training when it comes to their emotional world, men have perfected the art of segmenting or compartmentalizing their feelings away from their awareness in order to deal with their immediate survival needs...basically he hasn't reached his full emotional maturity. So while he may be able to deal with some issues like a gentleman, there are going to be some areas (sexually) where it just hasnt come together for him.He may not understand the impact his preferences may have on you or the relationship. He is also viewing you and his porn habit as two completely separate entities not at all affected by each other. He may also have a different perspective on what monogamy and fidelity means to you. Look but dont touch? Engage in emotional cheating, cyber sexing? This may be something you wish to talk about with him...set your boundries. I met my boyfriend at 25. He was a PIG!!! Like a dirty dirty dawg filthy gross one giant ball of hormone PIG. Lovely to me, yes, but his sexual expression was just gross. When we moved in together, he did throw it all out. Its been 5 years now and he has also outgrown oogling women in public, and making stupid comments that his friends always found funny. He is still a looker, they almost always will be, but bottomline, yes for the most part they can outgrow this or tone it down out of respect for the one they love. Be cautious though, the peoples comments below about this being an addiction isnt far off. If you find that it begins to impact your relationship and happiness more than youve already expressed here..then counseling is not a bad idea at all.
steph1234 steph1234
Doesn't matter if this is normal or not...he is addicted to porn....sounds like he may need some counseling. It is not right, nor is it acceptible for him to be asking girls to send him pics...and no you don't trust him or you wouldn't be checking in on him to 'make sure'. If you cannot trust him, then you do NOT need to marry him. This is out of control and you need to talk to him. Your concerns are valid. Porn really misconstrues people's idea of sex and how it should be in a relationship...it also is very costly to the 'other person' (you) and creates insecurity, distrust, etc. Talk to him....if he brushes it off and says it's no big deal, or gets defensive and blows up on you, then he doesn't care, and you need to get out of this destructive relationship. Good luck...I wish you the best!
wolfjinx25 wolfjinx25
I honestly think he's a total perv. He wants his cake and eat it too. A guy in a relationship or serious one should not be talking or ogling over other women for naked pictures. Porn is normal but asking girls for naked pictures is not normal especially girls he knows and doesn't know. You may want to rethink your relationship if this makes you really uncomfortable. Sorry.
lexib1994
Dump him. It'll only get more irritating and worse if you two do end up getting married
missmaryb
Ummm, yeah I would say it's excessive and wrong if he's in a committed relationship with you. I'm not anti porn either, as long as it's just watching videos or looking at pics of strangers on the internet. When it crosses over into actually asking people you know to see their boobs, that's crossing the line. You should talk to him and air the issue out now, before you find yourself married and miserable. However, it doesn't sound like an easy fix, where you tell him you don't like it and he totally cuts it out. I get the impression he has some kind of unhealthy relationship with sex and might have a bit of an addiction. If he's getting that much sex from you and yet still has to constantly be checking out porn, it's a bit much. That would require professional help. Your first step is talking to him openly, then seeing how he plans to fix the problem. If he can't or won't, I would give the marriage idea some serious second, third and fourth thoughts. Good luck.
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