Dating Tweets January 2014

Laugh away the pain of the workweek with the funniest tweets on love, sex, dating, and penises from the last seven days. First dates, cooking class crushes, and grandpa fetishes — get ready for the most outrageous and relateable tweets from our favorite women on the social networking site. And for even more funny, follow us on Twitter!

On Being Single

"How are you single?!" is the new "You don't have a date for prom? Ask your cousin Joey if he can take you."

— jacqueline carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) January 17, 2014

On Sex

People who say they have no regrets probably haven't had sex with the guys I've had sex with

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 14, 2014

netflix is like a boyfriend except it doesn't eat me out. oh wait my last boyfriend didn't either

— Sputnik Sweetheart (@Verlieren) January 14, 2014

"I want to be inside you." -exercise pants.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 16, 2014

so horny I might just go for a walk

— priscilla (@BBW_BFF) January 13, 2014

On Dating

went on a first date tonight and the boy literally said "what's your baggage?"

— steph in space (@spacecadetsteph) January 16, 2014

Overheard my boyfriend giving out his email and specifying that it's "all lowercase" so I guess I'm living out a Grandpa fetish or something

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) January 13, 2014

how are we a 99% okcupid match I literally hate you

— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) January 16, 2014

My friends describe my current love interest as a "dick," but *twirls* *sings operatically* I think I can fix himmmmmmmmmm

— Mandi Harris (@MandiHarris) January 16, 2014

On Food and Flirting

It's so cold out my nipples could cut pizza, just kidding it's not cold, I just like the feeling of pizza on my nipples.

— Rubsomedirtonit (@Girtrudepops) January 16, 2014

I'm developing a crush on my cooking instructor, so I better start cooking stuff that doesn't make him throw up.

— sallybrooks (@sbrooks13) January 15, 2014

On Penises

Don't think that I won't bedazzle your penis while you're sleeping.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 13, 2014

On Pop Culture

This is my supermodel's vagina. pic.twitter.com/NPUZZ8PfCI

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) January 13, 2014

The Bachelor should just have to have coffee with each woman for an hour

— Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) January 15, 2014