Bad Sex Tweets 2013
#BadSex Excerpts More Mortifying Than Bad Sex
Warning: this story is not for the faint of heart. The Literary Review has released its shortlist for "Britain's most dreaded literary prize:" the Bad Sex Award. The purpose of the annual award, now in its 21st year, "is to draw attention to the crude, badly written, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it." Erotica is not included.
In the same way that good people can have bad sex, this award proves that even good books can have bad sex. But from the excerpts the British magazine shared on Twitter, I don't know if even our worst sexual experiences can compare to how cringe-worthy these #badsex examples are. Literary Review tweeted these anonymous, out-of-context excerpts from both this year's crop and historic selections — and they are hilariously bad. Read some of the NSFW snippets now, if you have the stomach for it.
It was wet and warm down there, which was only to be expected, but she might just as well have deposited my hand on a pizza. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand was what she tried to concentrate on #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
Any body part could be joined to any body part ... Toe & tongue. Nipple & penis. Finger & the bud. Armpit & mouth. Nose & clitoris. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
'And inwardly she caressed, touched, petted, and fondled, squeezed, the whole length and all of the sides of the penis.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
At the front, she tasted salt as anchovy and as delicious. At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
She liked to be plundered, to be rocked, to have her belly slapped by his each attack. The bed too slapped the wall as he dirked her #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
"I put my hand in. It's hot and damp, and then, Christ; it's amazing, huge. It just goes on and on, as thick as..." (1/2)#BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
"As a magnum? A jeroboam? A methuselah? A bitter pump?" "A fucking salami. Shut up, John." (2/2) #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
his juice came from the end of his penis, each drop sent her into rolls, squirms, fits, convulsions of a kind past either pain or joy#BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
'I came too quickly,' I said. 'I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.' 'No, no. It was good. I liked it.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
Their lips were scuffing each other's cheeks and lips and necks. Hearts thudding, the valves snapping open, slamming shut. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
I seemed to come right away, with a hard, popping effervescence, as if her mouth had raised blisters, or an uppermost froth #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
At last I put the candle down and slid two of her fingers inside her, tasting them afterwards. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
The zip of her skirt sputtered between her fingernails like a motorboat on a waveless sea. We never took our eyes off each other. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
Her eyes, thick with desire, gave me the same pleasure her fingers and her lips had given me. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
She put her hand around his penis and moved it back and forth & she could hear herself panting now, like a dog, but she didn't care #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
I went looking for where her hair began and worked my way through its musky trails to where there was none. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
Paul ejaculates voluminously and with very great force indeed. In fact he keeps on and on ejaculating... (1/2) #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
... there's loads of the stuff, out it all comes, pint after pint, and he begins to wonder if it will ever cease. (2/2) #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
Her body was hairless. She was white as a maggot. Her breasts - Oh shit - deliriously full and slack #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
'Anxiously he began to get the impression that his vas deferens was initiating its rhythmic squeezing too soon, too soon …' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
'I moved up to her mouth, which smelled of ripe melon. Not the wound-red Tuscan watermelon, but the pale-green variety I had bought' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
'she felt her belly suck with all her strength, all her power, suck, suck, suck, with all her blood, all her heat, all her life.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 8, 2013
'She stood bare-legged in high heels, bra and knickers. Her body was absolutely gigantic, but harmonious in its proportions.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
'I closed my eyes as well and moved inside her, imagining the ribbed flesh, the supple rings of muscle.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
'she could, when i gave up the struggle, with a leisurely sigh sink her face in my cunt... i seemed to come right away.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
'Matching ... rhythm proves elusive. I love him, have to repeatedly tuck him back in. To my amazement, he neither wilts nor fades.' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
'When I reached beneath her and held her buttocks in my hands, she trembled all over, her cunt seeming to flutter' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
'fever-cheeked, parched and gasping for water and air, she'd been born out of me in those hours, bodied forth by titanic orgasm' #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 7, 2013
Link Love
- 8 rules of Thanksgivukkah sex — HuffPost Women
- "I lost 50 pounds and my identity in the process" — Cosmopolitan
- Study finds men with happiest marriages have hottest wives — HowAboutWe
- How do you tell a guy how inexperienced you are? — Em & Lo
- 15 ways to make friends in a new city — The Frisky
- Science says women slut shame each other — CollegeCandy
- I am totally committed to this casual relationship — HelloGiggles
- "I don't remember losing my virginity (and I'm OK with it)" — xoJane
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