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Caught Husband Sexting

"I Caught My Husband Sexting"

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have more than our share of ups and downs. More downs than I can remember. I have been by his side through everything. I still question his faithfulness in the past, but these last few months he has been sexting this woman that he went to school with.

Now granted she lives over 1,000 miles away but he has told her he loves her. He tells me it means nothing and makes a joke out of the whole thing. He tries to play like I am all the sex he needs and it is only harmless flirting. I confronted her on FB and told her to back off, she messaged me back and said they are just friends and blocked me. That right there tells me that something is wrong with the picture.

I tried to rekindle the flame we once had and it was amazing. Then I found out that he was still texting her. I have asked him to tell her to get lost and tell her that he is happily married. He has not done it yet. I am not sure at this point what to do . I know that if the thought is there, sooner or later the action will be there. I should also add that we have a 4-year-old daughter together.

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6 Comments

Bubbles12 Bubbles12
I think if you tell your husband that you consider this an act of adultery and that you won't be with a man who cheats you're finally communicating with him accurately and he's on notice. As long as you treat this as something that is simply annoying, but you simmer, you're doing both of you a disservice. Ask him how he would feel about you doing the same. If he can't empathize or still laughs it off, I think you really do a have problem in who you are married to.
henna red
mgillean, I don't think it matters who started it, the fact is that he continues it, and disregards your feelings and your boundary. That means he isn't serious about your feelings, which are completely legitimate. If he were serious about your feelings, he would back up his words with his actions. Again, I'd like to suggest you speak to couples counselor...if you are serious about keeping this relationship. You've expressed doubts about his past fidelity, and his current disregard is totaly disrespectful, and not the kind of behavior you need to have modeled for your daughter. But if he refuses to address the situation at all, then I stand by what I said....you are looking at making a difficult choice.....just accepting his behavior, no matter what it is, or seperating. This isn't an issue that only one half of your partnership can fix.....it's going to take both of you, and the help of a professional. I think you need to let him know that, to let him know unequivoqualy that his behavior is unacceptable and let him know what the consequences are if it doesn't stop. I would say that he's looking for consequences if you are completely aware of all that's going on.....if he won't go to counseling, then get yourself to a counselor to help you understand his behavior, and all of the consequences to you, and to your family. I would also suggest getting a lawyer's advice, so that you know just what you're looking at here.
mgillean89 mgillean89
We were only married 5 years when I had my daughter. I wanted to wait til I was ready. We have never had a problem with this before. I am not sure how or who started the sexting. He just makes a joke about how sexy he thinks I am when ever I comfront him about the issue. I have even ask him how he would feel if it was me saying all that stuff to another man and he says he understands where I am coming from. And yet he has not got rid of the problem.
henna red
(sorry about the boyfriend.....I did read your comment and know he's your husband of 15 years.)
henna red
You have a boundary, he crossed it . You told him it was a boundary and he blew you off. He has cheating behavior, and you know that he has cheating behavior, you've confronted him with it, and he won't change. So, the ball is in your court. Do you want to raise you daughter in a home where her dad models cheating behavior? Your boyfriend can be a dad, and not be your partner if that what you choose. It sounds like that's what he's chosen, and is only using you for his own comfort. Is that what you want in your life? You can't make him change. You can only say what your boundaries are, what your deal breakers are, and then react appropriately to his refusal to acknowledge your boundaries, your deal breakers. What do you want in your life? What are your standards? If he does not conform to these standards, if he is not modeling the appropriate behavior as a partner, a father, then you have a choice to make. I suggest that let your husband know that what's happening is unacceptable. It's time to put your foot down. It's time for the two of you to go to counseling as a couple and if he won't address this issue and continues to blow you off, then I'd say you're looking at seperation. If he wants to keep his family, then he has to show his commitment....by changing his behavior and if that takes counseling....then that's what it takes. If he is unwilling to take those steps, then you have to decide whether you will accept his cheating behavior or seperate. I'm sorry you're having this happen. You said you have questions about his fidelity...I'm wondering if you had a kid after 11 years together because you thought it would bring him around....keep him around? That's not something that ever works, and if that's what you were hoping for then, I'm sorry, but here you are in the same position, but with a daughter to protect as well. I'm sure you don't regret having someone to love and care for....but kids don't make relationships work better....they are another level of work and responsibility, and can stress an already stressed relationship even farther. Talk to a counselor, talk to your husband, set your boudaries and standards, and stick to your guns. Demand appropriate behavior, or do the right thing for yourself and your daughter, and let go this relationship. Make the effort, do the work, but if he isn't going to make the same kind of effort, then I'm sorry, but you're looking at the hard choices. best of luck to you
jerseygirl81
Tell him that if he loves you and respects you he will no longer do this, then work together to find out why he is doing this...are there needs not being met. There's a reason why he turns to the sexting...fight for what you have with him. Remind him..why you love each other.

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